It’s not every day Woody Harreslon writes your daughter a poem 🥹
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safety message: make your coffee before assisting others with their coffee
Setting my alarm for April Fools day so I remember not to trust my loved ones, and finally have a reason for it.
proctologist: [removing three nerf darts] do I have to ask
me: no you can have them
son: can I borrow your tie for my interview
dad: my what
son: I need a tie
dad: one more time
son: *sighs* your business necklace
Pilot: There’s a loose…
Engineer: Tape.
P: And some rivets hav…
E: Tape.
P: Also signs of metal fatigu…
E: Tape.
P: And a panel is missi…
E: Tape.
P: Hydraulic failu…
E: Tape.
P: Th…
E: Tape.
P:
E: Tape.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: How long has it been since you showered?
My boyfriend talks to everyone while I stand by quietly planning my escape.
Guys that have a hard time meeting girls, have you tried painting some wings on the side of a building and waiting for them to come take pictures?
I need this for my side hustle.
The aliens only appear to people in the US because they’ve heard so much about its many hummus flavours
I’m not a jealous person, unless of course you have coffee and I don’t.
male cult leader: I have received a new revelation from the lord
me: let me guess, he wants you to have multip—
cult leader: I am to have multiple wives
My kids teach frat boys how to trash houses.
Why do people say “meteoric rise”? You know, meteors…those space rocks that famously don’t go up?
my 8yr old daughter has to touch 3 cats before she can do anything.
we only have two cats.
Your odds are greater of being killed by a coconut rather than a shark and this is exactly why I don’t swim in coconut-infested waters.
teacher: class, today we learn about the birds and bees
class: OOOOH
[opens hawk cage]
class: AAAHHH
[calls principal]
RELEASE THE BEES
me: there’s a fly in my soup
waiter: quite sorry, we’ll get you another at once
me: no, just the one is enough
Me: omg JLo is 50 and looks amazing, it’s not fair.
Also me: 17 buffalo wings are a good source of protein.
[At a One Direction concert]
No, I’m not a…I SAID NO I’M NOT A BIG ONE DIRECTION FAN I JUST HATE MYSELF AND FEEL THE NEED TO SELF PUNISH
You sell yourself for retweets, you are a prostitweet.
I forgot the word confetti so I just said jazz hands graffiti
When my sister in-law was a waitress in Canada, she was taking drink orders from a group of Americans. They each ordered a glass of red wine. She suggested they choose a LITRE instead. They spoke among themselves and one man put up his hand and said – “I’ll be the leader.”
Me: I had a meeting with your teachers. They had a lot of good things to say about you, including that you’re super, super smart.
6-year-old: Wait, wait, go back. How many supers?
I thought the husband was finally taking photography seriously by telling me to move to the right and smile. Turned out to be a nice shot of me with the dog taking a crap in the background.
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wearing my wife’s clothes standing in the mirror.
I hate when people tell plus size girls they can’t “pull something off” like honey I’m trying to buy white jeans not steal the Declaration of Independence
“A room in motion will stay in motion until you sober up.”
~Newton’s little known fourth law of motion
Me: [adjusting cargo shorts] These babies are built for performance.
My wife: You’ve been sitting on the couch watching football all day
Me: [pulling a small container of bean dip out of one pocket and a bag of tortilla chips out of another] Was a question in there somewhere?
Math is like my parenting. I do it when I have to, but I’m not great at it.