WIFE: you probably need a shower
KID: why? how do I smell?
ME: *without looking up* with your nose
[ no-look high five from WIFE ]
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[Giraffes at gym]
“What do you want to work on today?”
Well we did neck day yesterday, and the day before.
“So…neck day again”
You bet
Stop sending me this shit.
My blood type is b hungry.
😂 amazing answer
Old high school classmate: Really? You’re about to have your 4th child?
Me: Are you surprised I like kids?
Him: I’m surprised you had sex.
Butter my backside and call me a biscuit.
I can’t believe I’m supposed to obey ALL the traffic laws ALL the time.
Closed pistachios are further proof there is no god.
frankly, people look at you different after you lick them.
kid: whats the meaning of life?
me: life is like a bag of Doritos, when you get to a point where you think youve had enough, you notice there isnt much left in the bag, so you just power through to the end
kid: where do babies come from?
me: babies are like a bag of Doritos…
Me rushing back from the bathroom at 3 am so I dont lose any tiredness
Guys I’ve run some math on it and this whole Santa business is truly bananas.
I hate it when women announce they’re pregnant five minutes after they’ve peed on a stick, just for the attention.
My mom waited almost 20 years before she told anyone about me. It’s called decorum.
Me: I’m tired
My brain: turn on the tv
Me: but I need sleep
My brain: go pay some bills
Me: I’m so exhausted
My brain: oRgAnIzE yOuR sPiCes
realization:
the asteroid that ended the dinosaurs was technically the highest ratio of killing birds to one stone in earths history
Cashier: Your total is $2,967.
Me: Okay. Please take off the greeting card.
Cashier: Your total is now $7.
Had a guy message me to tell me no DMs so I didn’t answer his message and then he got upset I didn’t answer his message… and y’all say women are weird.
For a brief period, cats delivered mail in Belgium. During the 1970s, the city of Liège “hired” 37 cats to deliver mail in waterproof bags. As expected, the cats weren’t effective mailmen.
“Actually I have a lot of secs” is apparently not the right answer to “Do you have a sec?”
They need a coach to help people deplane. “You can do this… grab your bag. You got it. Now go! GO! GO! Get off the plane, you idiot!”
Please keep my heartbroken toddler in your thoughts because I vacuumed up some crumbs from the floor that he was apparently very attached to.
If you’re feeling butterflies in your stomach, go make yourself a sandwich. It’s called being hungry.
Don’t worry if you haven’t disappointed anyone today, I’ve disappointed enough people for both of us.
my 6yo: guys?……can i do anything i want with this brownie?
my husband and i: ………👀
6yo: like eat it with a potato chip?
*synchronized sigh of relief*
The Great Wall of China is one of the 7 wonders of the world just because it’s a Chinese product that’s lasted more than a month.
My kids are at an age now where they are beginning to understand embarrassment.
This is my time to shine.
I have way less energy than your average haunted doll.
My favorite things about Texas are definitely our toast and our chainsaw massacres.
In hell, everything you have Googled in your lifetime will scroll across a jumbotron.
My doctor wants me to take a stress test.
I should pass with flying colors. I’ve been studying for this my whole life.