Let’s cut to the chase babe. I’ve only got a few DMs left.
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cell phones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
me: [lays trail of petals directly to the bed] she’ll love this
midwife: she won’t
*7 yr old talks about red dwarfs and neutron stars for 40 minutes straight*
My mom: Wow, that’s amazing. So are you going to be an astronaut when you grow up?
7, incredulously: No, I’m going to be a ninja.
Cops in movies keeping guard outside hospital rooms have a 0% success rate.
If it’s only polite to take your shoes off as a guest in someone’s home, stripping fully nude should be considered a truly honorable action.
What a chick magnet..
Oh, so when other ppl call their pets “fur baby” its fine but when I call a kid a “skin dog” somehow I’m “disgusting” and “the worst pediatrician in this hospital”??
We don’t have wifi in Tennessee. I just pray my tweets into my phone and let Him (#Christ) do the rest.
Eye Exam Lamaze Class
Emergency
🤝
Dilated Pupils
If you’ve been talking for 5 minutes straight, it might be someone else’s turn
Guys.You can’t make everyone happy, so just concentrate on me
IF YOU CHOOSE NOT TO DECIDE, YOU STILL HAVE MADE A CHOICE is something I like to shout at people who hold up the line at Taco Bell.
[at a Doja Cat concert]
me [loudly]: PSPSPSPSPS
My boss just criticized me, saying that my writing is almost unintelligible and unbecoming a professional, but I don’t think it’s portmantotally malapropriate.
A Doctor’s Guide on Pain Management: “What’s your pain level on a scale of 1-10?”
1 – “Why are you here?”
2
3
4 – “That’s not that bad, you can manage.”
5
6
7 – “You’re exaggerating.”
8
9
10 – “You’re lying.”
If anyone ever needs you to explain the difference between Americans and Brits, just send them this.
When I was younger, I never liked the monkey bars, because monkeys are mean drunks.
I’m not sure about accusing someone of wanting to get into my pants. I’d like to see him try. I can hardly get into them myself..
I opened the internet to read today’s news and quickly said “Oh, god, sorry” and closed it like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.
9 out of 10 times, if you call the 1-800 number printed on a consumer product, the person who answers won’t tell you what they’re wearing.
Limp Bizkit: keep rollin rollin rollin rollin
Humpty Dumpty: [falling off wall] I feel so attacked
You’d think a baby would make the perfect paperweight, but this one keeps rolling off my desk.
Two little monkeys
Jumping on the bed
One fell off and
Bumped his head EXACTLY HOW THEIR MOM SAID SOMEONE WOULD BUT NO ONE LISTENS TO HER.
She went out this morning for milk and lovingly announced upon her return that she’d bought me two donuts, then when I wasn’t looking she unlovingly ate one.
It’s my favorite time of year, the time when everyone puts their clothes back on and goes inside.
I block people for being stupid.
…I block a lot of people.
Bartender: I’m cutting you off. only water from now on
Jesus: [sarcastically] oh no
The world is your Oyster.
So raw, rubbery and resembling a booger?
Will you marry me?
‘Is a marriage proposal’Will, you, Mary, me?
‘A foursome inquiry’
5 asked me to come to her hairdressing salon, put some accessories in my hair then looked at me and said “well your hair looks good now but I don’t know what we can do with your face”. Worst hairdresser I’ve been to, do not recommend