her: i just feel so comfortable with you 🙂 like we met in a past life or something idk i know thats silly lol
me: *head throbbing, getting flashbacks to when I was a lizard and she was a kid who cut off my tail to see if it would grow back* no definitely not silly at all
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I’m like a siren of the sea, except I lure my victims by smelling like garlic bread
I’ve got 11 lava lamps and every time a girl comes back to my place, she leaves almost immediately. I need more. 14 lava lamps.
I’m not scared I’ll end up in an asylum after a breakdown. I’m scared someone will record it on their phone and I’ll end up on a GIF.
*Spends the first 7 minutes of my job interview carefully tearing off the perforated edge of my spiral notebook resume*
The more we travel into the mountains the more little critters I see. A rabbit will run across the road, then a squirrel, then a crab. What?
I’m like 4% cute and 98% bad at math.
I don’t think that i’ve ever made anyone get the butterflies. Dry heave yeah but i don’t think…no
My 4yo: *tiptoeing down the hallway 3 minutes after I tucked him in like he does every night.*
Me: *shouting from couch,* Go to bed!
4yo: *peeking head around the corner, surprised,* How did you know it was me?
My kids’ hamster escaped and I found her hiding from them in the closet so I just left her in there because honestly I get it… I get it.
Starting a skydiving school called Active Chuters
me and who
Me: What’s a que and why are you against it?
Antique dealer: …What?
Friend: excited for your date?
Me: no I just found out what we do at the end
Friend: kiss?
Me: *thinking about tipping* math
It’s like being a teenager again. Gas is cheap and I’m grounded.
You know, I didn’t need to find that poppyseed right between my front teeth immediately after I spoke to the kindergarten room mom for thirty minutes to keep me humble but I guess it won’t hurt
SERIAL KILLER: prepare to die
ME: thanks, you too
Man down! Send in back up!
*wife comes rushing in the room*
“What happened?!”
*i dip another chip in the salsa to rescue the broken chip*
*stands in front yard, hands on hips, giving each autumn leaf that falls on my lawn a stern, disapproving look*
YOU ASKED IF YOU COULD PET HER, NOT IF SHE BITES, MEGAN.
it’s “singles awareness day” uh yeah ok thanks I’m aware
One of my dogs was puking, i got up to deal with it and the other dog stole part of my dinner. This was not random. This was a planned event.
I’m not very good at makeup because I naturally have bad handwriting and it just translates to my face
Most of us were taught to never get in cars with strangers, so taxi cabs make absolutely no sense.
Shortly before lockdown I sold a cordless vacuum cleaner to someone and didn’t, I repeat didn’t, say to him as I handed it over, well it was just gathering dust.
I now have to live with this missed opportunity.
I had to start baking my own cakes and cookies because I’m no longer allowed in the bakery, in my defense I thought those were all samples.
ME: My goal is to be king, like my dad.
HER: That’s amazing. Of what country?
ME: It was his goal, Linda. And now it’s mine.
Is your meth contaminated with coronavirus? This Florida police dept. will test it for free
Why is the saying “Ignorance is bliss” and not, “No brain, no pain”?
One day ISIS is going to screw up and accidentally hit ‘add your location’ to a tweet.
“Change is good,” I explain to my daughter as I carefully apply the same color lipstick I’ve been wearing since I was 15 years old.