Walmart greeters check and barcode returns now before you go on to customer service. So at least two people will know I ended up not needing that maximum strength ex-lax after all.
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My kids’ superpower is finding something to fight about after only being awake for 2 minutes.
I told my husband last night that I have a lot of hobbies but I’m not very good at any of them, “like cooking for example” and this man, whom I have fed every single day for 10 years, had the audacity to respond “but there are other hobbies you are good at.”
I’m here!
– Me, excitedly lining up all of my gourmet peanut butters just before my disappointing first meeting at Toastmasters
Wait…you said JAZZ hands? Oh god. I totally misheard you. Please get me a towel.
If I am picking up lunch and bringing it back to work for you, please expect at least half of your fries to be gone.
As my mom finishes up cutting up my steak for me, I can’t help but notice that my date looks upset.
meal prep? you mean putting on a bib?
“Doing the dishes” is completely pointless and only wastes water. You’re just going to put food on them again in a few hours.
Cherry seeds are just the pits.
Wrong Way Do Not Enter seems like a weird name for a street.
They said I couldn’t drink or operate machinery on my medication.
But here I am…Driving a forklift…Sipping a beer…Lifting up my boss’s car…
Tapping a clown on the shoulder and saying, “Tag, you’re IT,” is a great way to die.
I hate to brag but I’ve been kicked out of several cults for being too weird.
A crow just dropped a pink ribbon at my feet. If I pick it up are we engaged or what’s the protocol here
Just got a “Great news!” text from Walmart and while I’m glad my package is out for delivery it’s not toilet paper and this isn’t 2020.
Just got kicked out of Chipotle for knowing what I wanted when I got to the front of the line.
A fun way to “Break up” is to tell them to “Go long” and then never throw them the football.
Wife: ugh I can’t remember my dream from last night
Me: I taught the dog karate and how to speak
Wife: what no that wasn’t it
Dog *chops wood in half* wasn’t what
[therapy]
“Where does your fear of spiders come from?”
*flashback to Spider-Man trying to kiss me behind Applebees*
They’re just creepy okay
I don’t push people away, I just do the Macarena
[Confessional Booth]
Me: My favorite sins are sins of the flesh.
Priest: FAVORITE SINS?!
Me: Why are you yelling? And gluttony, gluttony is a close 2nd.
We got our cats a water fountain. Now they stand around it holding little paper cups and gossiping about us.
me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
me: *swallows another quarter* no
What are WE?
WRITERS!!!What are WE gonna do?
WRITE!!!When are WE gonna do it?
Ooh look a (Instagram, Twitter, Pinterest, YouTube) notification. Probably later!
“It’s hotter than a junkie’s spoon in July”
Excuse me, what kind of Florida metric system are we using now??
ME: So did you go to a Hivey League school lol?
MY ALLERGIST: Get out.
I picked up one of my son’s school masks and it had a horrific red mess inside and before I could even put words to my fears he said “I dropped a meatball in it.”
It’s like the only thing my kids learned from Snow White is that fruit is horribly poisonous.
Why do they call it house cleaning and not fighting grime?
[reading my journal] me: damn what a psycho