Me: Shout out to all my homies!
Homies: Stop shouting at us.
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I’m about to go on a 6 day trip with 130 teenagers, including a 21 hour bus trip in each direction. Send thoughts, prayers, Monster, and bourbon.
I’m wearing black with navy blue today. Fight me. Any bruising will only serve to tie it all together.
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything
Probably even more relevant for the next couple of days.
“Just make sure he knows these are for Christmas AND his birthday”
Happy Birthday if it’s yours today.
I bought some IKEA furniture and paid extra for delivery and set-up.
Next day, they dumped the box and a dead body in my yard. And called the cops.
Me: *giggling* No you hang up first..
Pizza hut: Sir, please stop doing this..
If you tell me your deepest, darkest secrets, I promise I won’t tell anyone. Unless it will make me look important or interesting or funny.
Those 11 British actors I watch on every single show must be so tired.
No matter how handsome/beautiful you are, your passport picture or ID card will always find ways to humble you
Everybody is fighting a battle that you don’t know about…because of the first rule of Fight Club.
Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.
The year is 2045. Favstar Bot 32 becomes self aware and deletes our top tweets.
People say “you’ll ruin your appetite” like I have to be hungry to eat.
I carry a pack of Tums in my pocket in case I run into a hostile plate of jalapeño chili nachos and can’t escape
[dinner]
DAD: let’s roast this bird
ME: (to bird) the only time you ever got laid was the day you were born
DAD: haha nice
The last 60+ Miss Universe pageant winners have been from earth I don’t know man, seems fixed.
Roses are red,
Change comes with the tide
Person: I saw an eagle on my hike today.
Me: Was it Don Henley?
Just ate at a Japanese restaurant and the entire staff was Hispanic. I don’t know what is real anymore!
Who needs Google when you’ve got a brother-in-law who knows it all?
Kidnappers: We have your husband. Send us $10,000 if you ever want to see him again.
Me: Where I should drop off his clothes?
Does a UFO remain an UFO once you identify it as a UFO?
Hello Darkness my old friend.
Darkness (under his breath): Oh God, it’s him again.
Never hate someone for the color of their skin or who they love. Hate them for putting mayo on a hotdog. That person deserves it
“midlife crisis” buddy i’m having a whole life crisis
Most of my one night stands happened because they knew they would get a fabulous breakfast the next morning.
a woman wished me a “happy resurrection” today except i forgot what day it was so i got a little worried for a minute
INVENTOR OF THE CEMETERY: what if I told you there was a legal way to hide a dead body
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I asked too many questions.
[First Date]
Her: Sorry, but your profile pic was misleading.
Oatmeal Raisin Cookie: I never *said* this was chocolate. You just *assumed*