No matter the situation you can always count on me to help*
*instantly make it worse
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I accidentally said erotic instead of erratic and I guess I’m attracted to squirrels now.
Me: I love you.
3yo: I love you
Me: Are you my big kid?
3yo: Yup
Me: Are you my sweet boy?
3yo: *thinking* No…just a big kid.
It stops being sexy if you wait 14 hours to reply back.
When someone looks over my shoulder while I’m on the computer, I open up a new tab and start searching, “HOW TO KILL THE PERSON BEHIND ME.”
The three genders
Princess Peach has been kidnapped so often, I’m beginning to think she might be Liam Neeson’s daughter.
My safe word is “insufficient funds”.
[giving a eulogy for my doctor]
ME: im very sorry that i ate all of those apples
* overheard at the bar *
Becky: so what do you do?
Him: I’m a beekeeper
Ecky: you astard!!!!
Just saw a man wearing a pager. Apparently, he’s expecting a very important call from someone in 1994.
Walmart: Did you find everything you were looking for?
Me: Well, I couldn’t find-
W: *finger to my lips* Shhh! I don’t actually care.
just watched a movie where the guy has Alzheimer’s and it was randomly jumping and repeating scenes and I was like, well duh, cause he has Alzheimer’s. it’s just an artistic thing by the director. It was not. The chrome cast is just broken and I sat through almost two hours of it
I love traveling with my husband because it gives us an opportunity to bicker in new and exotic locations.
Nights in white satin, but it’s me falling off the bed again
Time machine ads be like:
“Can you here me now?”
Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero
Priest: Do you take this woman to be your wife?
Me: “I do”
Priest: Ok can you say it again without using finger quotes while you do it
The neighbors with the baby moved out, and now the loudest crying heard throughout the entire apartment complex comes from me.
me: *using chocolate coins as currency*
clerk: those are not legal tender
me: tender? buddy, these will melt in your mouth
Am I afraid of the dark? No. Will I exit a basement after turning off the lights at normal speed? There is no amount of money in the world.
Turns out a cop hates a surprise hug
Wife: Hit the light.
*flicks switch (wrong light)
*flicks another (fan)
*flicks (disposer)
*flicks (nothing)
*flicks (some light in Canada)
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your 3 toppings pizza.
ME: Sorry, I don’t have enough left to tip you.
DELIVERY GUY: Then why didn’t you just order 2 toppings?
ME: *reluctantly hands him the pepperoni*
You ever pump your gas slowly on purpose so no one realizes you only had $3 on you
sober me: where’s my phone?
drunk me: I’ll never tell
refrigerator: you’re not going to believe this
I’m so broke that if my girlfriend leaves me for another guy I swear that I’m going with them.
Home Alone (1990)
A know-it-all, suburban elitist cruelly humiliates two economically anxious men, seeking to improve their lives
CW: Have you had 5 guys?
Me: *blank stare* That’s kinda personal don’t ya think?
And that’s when I found out it’s the name of a burger joint
Pay no attention to the man behind the crouton!
[you cannot sleep while there are enemies nearby!]
Me: lol buddy…