Relationship status:
Just kissed my cat and he got up and moved to the other end of the couch.
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Are you okay?
Yes
Did you take your cold medicine?
Umm yes
Why are you so nervous?
I never thought throw pillows would ask so many questions
I’m rearranging the kitchen which is devastating for my husband because now suddenly he remembers where everything used to be.
Ladies: To see how a guy is in bed, watch him put on a shoe. Does he just cram his foot in? Or does he lick the shoe fully then gently enter
“Whats the deal with all this airline food?”
-Sharks in Malaysia
“It’s one of those new Hoverboards!”
9: Mom, this is just 2 Roombas taped together.
“Don’t be silly. Now go vacuum…I mean play upstairs”
Never ‘boop’ a police officer on the nose when he pulls you over for speeding; I know this now.
no, YOU’RE clutching a string of kielbasas like rosary beads
I wonder if a murderer has ever crossed my path, contemplated murdering me, and then thought “nah”.
* heats water for tea in the microwave *
* delights at the reactions from purists *
Girl you got more red flags than a well played game of minesweeper
I had a pretty confused childhood because I thought obituaries are actually advertisements selling dead people.
I don’t like to brag about going to expensive places, but I just went to the gas station.
I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.
Stopped visiting friends because they have a child gate on the way to the upstairs bathroom I can’t figure out.
At the bank and the teller asked the guy in front of me “how are you doing” and he took a deep breath and said “not great my cat f****ng hates me”
So it’s my turn and I go “that was the weirdest thing I’ve heard waiting in line here” and the teller says “I’ve met his cat. She does hate him.”
What is happening?
When buying a car, let the salesperson know you’ve done your research. What pedal does what, where the engine goes, etc.
Hate when Walmart doesn’t have what I need & I have to go home, change out of my pajamas & brush my hair so I can go to Target
[waxing salon]
ME: I need to make a waxing appointment.
ASSOCIATE: You want a Brazilian?
ME: No, I don’t need that many.
No rule against wearing an old Halloween costume to Thanksgiving. Let your racist uncle talk presidential politics with Donkey from Shrek.
1995: I will make multiple trips to the post office and mail off blank cassettes just so I can get a barely audible bootleg of a phish show months later
2022: I will pay 47 dollars for a single chicken sandwich to be delivered so I don’t have to put on pants
Listen here weather report, don’t tell me 1” hail.
You tell me Oreo size hail so I can understand.
Me: My dog ran away two days ago
Dog pound: Does he have a tag?
Me [covers phone to ask wife]: Is the dog on Instagram?
If you get into a fight with a polar bear, boost your chances of success by requesting a postponement until 2065. There’s a good chance polar bears will be extinct by then so you’ll win by default for just turning up
I have to find the recorder the school sent home last year, or something terrible will happen. The school will send home another recorder.
Lois Lane: “Clark, have you given any thought to contact lenses?”
Clark Kent: *starts sweating nervously*
Me: Why don’t we have a nice, romantic bubble bath?
Him: Sounds amazing*flash forward*
Him: I thought we’d be taking the bubble bath together
Me: (from the other tub) My tub is too small for two, you know that. And say “over” when you’re done talking on the walkie, babe
Ask your doctor if doctors are right for you. Make them self conscious. Question their motives. Die unnecessarily young and smug.
there will never be a funnier headline than this one
Whoever named the White House and the Pentagon also probably named oranges.
Her: I can’t believe you’re leaving me. Is there someone else?
Me: I’ve told you, Brenda, I just really need to focus on my karate right now.
Her: But you’re 57 and a green belt.
Me: Exactly.