Most divorces could be avoided by buying 2 duvets.
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[job interview]
“Why do you want to leave your current job?”
My boss is a total idiot
“It says here you’re self-employed?”
Yes that’s right
I’m trying to eliminate negativity from my life so Monday’s will now be Taco Tuesday eve until further notice
Women and electronics aren’t very similar until they both freak out on you for throwing water on them while they’re in “sleep mode”.
One time getting ready to go out to eat my dad told me not to wear jeans with any holes in them and I immediately responded by asking how I was going to put my feet in them and he seriously had a tear build up in one eye.
[spelling bee]
Your word is “echo”
can you use it in a sentence?
SENTENCE entence enᵗᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᶜᵉ
[Spelling Bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘babe’
Bee: B-A-E
J: Sorry. There’s another ‘B’
Bee: WHAT! WHERE?
*goes crazy*
*stings Judge*
*dies*
The term domestic housewife implies that there is a feral housewife and now I have a new life goal.
Cop: *into walkie talkie* we have a wreck on highway 15
Me: look I know I’m a wreck
Cop: you’ve been wearing those sweatpants for 4 days
me:
cop: also you hit 26 cars
pandemic day 1: i hope we all survive this deadly pandemic
pandemic day 664: me and my friends have beef with Elmo now
Pro tip: if you show up nude to the Zoom meeting, you don’t have to do anymore zoom meetings.
Sex is a lot like Mario Kart, you go really fast, you throw some bananas, Wario is there.
Took my kids to the travel clinic in preparation for Thailand/Japan trip. Nurse told them they needed a typhoid shot. 10 asked dead serious, “Do we need a Japanphoid shot too? I love him 😂
The purpose of hangers is to put a zig zag wrinkle in your pants at the knees.
Immediately de-escalating an international conflict by posting an angry looking selfie with the caption “Come on, guys.”
Luckily my rib cage protects my heart better than my head does.
If you work in an office trust that you have a nickname.
Everyone has a nickname.
If you don’t know yours, rest assured that it’s not very flattering.
Just ask Midlife crisis Matt over there.
“I’d like to purchase some deodorant please.”
“The ball kind?”
“No, for under my arms.”
[watching my life flash before my eyes]
God: are you serious? how many times did you watch the office?
[God Creating Dads]
God: Ah, yes. Think I’m done
Dads: Hi Done, we’re Dads!
God:
Dads:
God: *creates the adjustable thermostat*
mail is cool because 99% of the time it’s like a J.c. penney catalogue for a previous tenant and 1% of the time it’s something you’ll go to jail for if you don’t look at
Boss: You’re late.
Me: Only in this time zone.
Apparently it doesn’t matter that in China I’d be 12 hours early.
Apparently it was wrong of me to tell the aunt who said that I’ve gotten ‘big’ since 2019 that she’s also gotten ‘bigger’ since I saw her in 2019.
Dear commercial pitching me how much my funeral will cost,
It’s not going to cost ME anything.
Most people think that being in your 50s is now classed as the new 30s.
Take my word for It, the police speed cameras think differently
I am having an out of money experience.
“Where’s my money?” – a loan shark
“Where are my friends? – alone shark
Some people exercise on purpose by rowing little boats.
Canoe believe that?
COP: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
OCTOPUS: They’re tentacles
COP: OK PUT ALL 8 TENTACLES UP
OCTOPUS: Two are my legs, dude
COP: Just go. I give up.
*job interview*
“Tell me about a time when you made a positive impact in your organization.”
I quit
Oh really?! Because I see nothing in the gym membership rules that says I CAN’T just lie on the floor and watch tv all day!!