My phone just autocorrected “Haha” to “Jaja” so I guess I’m Mexican now.
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Dad: “GO TO YOUR ROOM NOW!”
Child: *storms off* “JIM MORRISON WAS OVERRATED!”
Dad: “WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT SLAMMING THE DOORS!?”
Give a toddler a crayon and he will eat that crayon. Teach him how to color and he will eat more crayons.
Guy: Which way is left?
Me: *points to the right*
Guy: What is a horn for?
Me: Jazz
Guy: Where does gasoline go?
Me: *points to my tummy*
Guy: Excellent *approves my state-issued driver’s license*
Netflix: *30 seconds into an Adam Sandler comedy* Are you still watching?
“Here you go body some nutritious food, how bout some energy?”
Body: “I shall make this into nose hair”
I stopped my pig from eating a penny.
I don’t know why.
I was so close to having a real live piggy bank.
If you subtract all the sex robots those NASA nerds built, the moon landing only cost like eighty dollars.
Being a parent means when you actually manage to find a pair of scissors they’re mysteriously sticky
Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful, hate me because I’m almost finished Christmas shopping.
If you can read this, you’re standing too close to my iPhone!
My son cried when I gave him his breakfast this morning. I made him scrambled eggs, covered them in ketchup & told him it was Humpty Dumpty.
Babe, you’re just perfect for me
Except that you’re married, have kids, live 8000 miles away and are probably an obese man
I prefer to date a man after I see how well he treats his wife.
ME: *holding door wide open for her*
HER: Are you saying I’m fat?
I don’t know, my pockets are always stuffed full of things I need.
it’s weird to me when people say their heroes are writers, actors or directors when there are people who say “well, goodnight” and go to bed in the middle of parties they’re hosting
him: 911, what’s your emergency
me: a home invasion
him: can have a unit there in 10 minutes
me: they’re armed
him: 5 minutes
me: they switched my toilet paper from over to under
swat team: [already crashing thru the windows]
Just found an egg in my armpit. These kids are getting better and better at hiding them every year.
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
Me: [Advancing my knight] How much to build a hotel on this square?
Grim Reaper: First, as I explained, that’s not how the horse moves.
I wonder if the guy who coined the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
If you do blood curdling screams and run your fastest zig zag patterns I bet you could make it out of a store with at least forty seven eggs
Volunteer me to do something without checking with me first so I know whose mailbox to leave the dead squirrel in.
we need a 3 day weekend:
1 for errands
1 for social activities
1 for staying in bed like we’ve got some Victorian wasting disease
welcome to your forties now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder
I always chalk the pool cue as if it is going to make a difference
Most of being an adult is just trying to figure out where that bruise came from.
Cop: “You have one call – make it important!”
*phone*
Me: “I’ve been arrested for making prank calls.”
Man: “Who is this?”
Me: “Hugh Jass.”
Hey, girl. I noticed you checking out my Hello Kitty socks. Just so you know…the boxers match.
*winks*
*putting a top hat on my dog*
Dog: *thinking* Like I don’t already have enough reasons to kill you in your sleep.