Don’t get how mosquitoes can be so buzzy and annoying but also bite me 10,000 times without me noticing
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Marriage. Because your shitty day doesn’t have to end at work.
*At the local breakfast restaurant
Server: And how would you like your eggs, sir?
Me: Reese’s
My neighbor, watching me take out all the recycling, exclaimed “Yikes! at least you won’t need to order anything next week!” I laughed and laughed and then signed into Amazon
There’s a tiktok ad I keep seeing that’s like “STOP SPENDING $200 ON SUNGLASSES.” Ok done. Easiest task I’ve ever been given
You say kidnapping. I say surprise adoption.
Tomato, Tomahto
Get in the van.
Do you think animals have famous animals in their social groups, or do you think they worship celebrities? But a group of cows worshiping a super sexy cow – does that happen?
A big difference between men and women I’ve found is that if a woman says ‘smell this’ it’s likely to smell nice.
my thigh gap is just a painted tunnel by Wile E. Coyote
My love language is Latin. It’s dead.
It’s subtle, but if a snail has the zoomies, listen close for a soft little wheeeeeeee!
[Shark Tank]
INVESTOR: So, it’s a bra, with a built in queso holder?
ME: Yep
INVESTOR: And you call it the-
ME: The Bracho, yes
GUY: *cuts me off in traffic
ME: *eating cereal* YOU SIR, SHOULD NOT BE ALLOWED DRIVE A CAR!!
*angrily waves spoon
my friend told me on first dates i should just “be myself” and “be confident” and i was like “ok but which one?”
Waiter: Ma’am, your meal comes with two sides
Me (dragging a cigarette): Everything does, kid. Everything
My fortune cookie fortune:
___________________________
| |
| *ʀᴇᴘʟᴀᴄᴇ ᴛᴏɴᴇʀ* |
|__________________________|
From the 3 wise men story we learn that wisdom doesn’t always translate into mad gift giving skills
Bank employees are called tellers, remember that next time you whisper them secrets.
Better names for porcupines:
Needle Beaver
Battlepig
Hurty Squirrel
Flail Monster
Cactus Rat
Capy-scare-uh
Death otter
Revenge Possum
I just broke a mirror disco ball, I’m not looking forward to my 5,600 years of bad luck
I’m no expert but a Brazilian sounds like a whole lot of bras
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
learn just enough tap dancing just to tap dance out of the room when you win an argument
sometimes i wish a great-grandpa or old uncle had left me a pocket watch i could take out & wistfully rub during these “trying times”
I’m told I look very good for a man twice my age.
Are you a sane person, or did you just ask a mannequin for directions to another department?
[first Captain to go down with the ship]
Captain: are you sure this a thing? I feel like this isn’t really a thing.
Crew: [already rowing away in the lifeboat]
Me: [whacks huge hairy spider with rolled up newspaper] …Got it!
David Attenborough to Producer: Can we get a different camera operator please
the sequel to “Up” should be called “Up 2: No Good” who do I tell this to
Panic buying, kids off school, businesses shutting down, stuck in the house with your family for days on end…
It’s basically shitty Christmas.
[my 1st day as spelling bee host]
your word is policy
“can you use it in a sentence”
um i think hes an undercover cop, he looks a bit policy