Cats always have an expression like they ordered 2 of everything on Amazon with your credit card while you were at work.
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Why proof read your tweets when you have plenty of people who’ll do it for free
[jumps in getaway car after bank robbery]
“They said no I couldn’t have any money”
Damn it, they make it look so easy in the movies
I just realized that I’m using a new phone that has never been dropped. How coo
Bored? Sneak a dog into the movies and loudly explain the plot to the dog
*Rolls window down*
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: is it because I’m literally running down the street pretending to be a car?
Told my son I was born with a cone shaped head because doctor used a vacuum thing to pull me out at birth. He now calls me cone head and is looking for a cone emoji to put on his phone next to my contact name. WE ARE ADJUSTING TO COHABITATING JUST FINE!
what if you thought you had met your soul mate but then you saw them put mayonnaise on a hotdog
I’m the master at playing ‘The floor is lava’
*Lies on the couch*
[in basement lab]
wife: you cant just make your own honey
me: (mouth dry, spitting pollen everywhere) I know that now Lisa.
If you tell me you’re giving something 110% then I’m assuming the extra 10% is your stupidity.
NASA engineer: the shuttle is completely automated so sit back and relax
[5 minutes later]
me *wedged into a drive-thru* ok dont be mad
Ok, so maybe the best time to break the news about how many years of school there are was NOT after a rough day at kindergarten.
The Grammy performers prove that no matter age, sex, race, religion or looks, I have no idea who most them are.
Oh, horrific shit happened in a little town where no one locked their doors? You don’t say?
Pretty sad that if you want to hit people in the knees with a hammer your career options are limited to doctor or enforcer for the mob.
Chess is my favourite game but I don’t play favourites
mondays are the worst day of the week because no one likes you unless you’re a holiday
Some say the glass is half empty. Some say it’s half full. I ask “Are you going to finish that?”.
( spelling bee )
Your word is “passive-aggressive”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Sure, kid.
I’ll hold up the contest just for you.
Brand new white Adidas completely ruined by 6 steps into the dog park gate.
Me: *climbing down* The best revenge is living in a well.
Friend: That’s not the saying!
Me: *shouting up* You’ll all be sorry!
I thought I typed “twitter” in my URL, but I got Hot Russian Ladies somehow instead. So, I guess I have a wife in the mail….
I see your ‘swagger’ and raise you my full-time job. Yeah.
*performs CPR on the turkey*
[ first date ]
Me. Do you take drugs?
Him. I never touch them.
Me. Perfect. Can I have a urine sample?
Saw a werewolf at the bus stop this morning. Or possibly just a very hairy guy. Either way, the silver bullets worked.
My charger only works if my phone is on a 45 degree angle, resting on a tiny pillow with Pat Benatar playing quietly in the background.
Thoughts and prayers for my dog. The mail carrier showed up today like she does everyday.
Dracula’s wife: You’ve got a little smudge on your chin.
Dracula: Vhere? Here?
Dracula’s wife: No, a little to the left.
Dracula: Here?
Dracula’s wife: No, a bit to the right. You know what? Just go look in the mi..
Dracula: LOOK INTO WHAT, MARTHA??
I am the all knowing oracle, you may ask me one question
“How do you pronounce quinoa?”
[it’s just covered in sweat] um can u ask me another