Being an adult on the internet is weird because you’ll see a trending article with a headline like, “Here’s a picture of what money looked like before Venmo!”
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Let he who is without sin, get the hell away from me.
If I was a microplastic I would simply not go in the ocean or anyone’s mouth.
Oscillating fans are for when you want to be cool every 4-8 seconds.
[Date]
Me: You’re a scientist?
Him: Yeah
M: You like chemistry?
H:
M: Wanna get in my genes?
H:
M: *slow winks*
H: Are you having a stroke?
Huge sale this weekend, we have too many mountain lions, please come buy a mountain lion, this was a horrible business plan, one guy got ate
Stranger: Your children are angels
Me: So was the devil
DAD: please help find my daughter
DETECTIVE: what does she look like
DAD: [scrolling thru 9,674 selfies of her with snapchat filters] I D… I DON’T KNOW
When you’re around too many morning people it’s like being in perkytory
My next door neighbor is constantly blaring loud music by a certain white rapper, keeping me awake at night. He’s become my Eminemesis.
News said how hard it’d be to shoplift a turkey.
Amateurs. It’s all about commitment.
*stuffs turkey under shirt*
*whines that back hurts*
An old white man in a beard bestowing gifts from the sky? Please.
*Pulls gun* Alright give me the money, and don’t try anything stupid.”
*Tries to put a fork in a light socket*
“Hey! What did I just say”!?
Karl’s toupee isn’t fooling any one
I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “She didn’t like me.”
If you hate Capitalism so much, then just write everything in lower case. Problem solved.
I just want somebody to want me the way my dog wants a bite of my cheeseburger.
We just joined a gym and they asked me to pick a 4 digit member number and I opened my mouth and my husband said, “I stg if you use your bank pin.”
I was, in fact, going to use my bank pin💀
8 year old touching under her eye: Mom, what is it called when your eyes look tired?
Me: It’s “you have bags under your eyes” but you don’t have any, baby.
8 year old: I know, but you do.
God: remember when I went to the bathroom and left you alone in my office?
Lion: yes.
God: did you uh do anything while I was gone?
Lion: no why?
[Mountain Lion, Sea Lion and Lionfish peek around the corner]
God: I guess I’ll delete them then.
Lion: ThEY aRe My cHiLdREn!
I was holding the door for an Asian guy and he said “sank you.” So I punched him. Cant believe that he brought up Pearl Harbor lke that
Villain: Hand over your gun.
*I hand him my gun*
Villain: And your sidepiece.
*I hand him my sock*
My behavior when there is a mosquito in the car while I’m driving suggests I am willing to die in order to kill a mosquito.
My husband and I get along better since realizing how much our yelling upsets the dog.
My friend and I had a running joke. She said let’s do a marathon and then we both laughed.
[Ouija board]
O spirits, let me talk to m-
C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I
*squints*
What the heck?
A 3G board?
If you ever get chased by a pack of taxidermists…
Never, ever, play dead.
Boycott kissing men at midnight. It’s New Year’s Eve not New Years Steve.
“With all due respect is the polite version of ‘listen here you little shit’”
Whenever an automatic hand dryer doesn’t turn on for me, I like to think my diet is really working.
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.