*puts ex in Memory Lane*
*revs car engine*
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what’s the funniest tiktok video you’ve ever seen?
I would be putting Jesus in my body every night if only he had chosen cookies over bread
I put some doughnuts, ice cream, and snickers bars in my blender for dessert tonight, so yeah-I juice.
If you let an idiot convince you that he’s the smartest man in the world…
Maybe he’s not the only idiot.
Putting tape over my webcam so the hackers can’t watch me take unreasonably large bites of food.
I loathe tweets like “Be somebody’s beautiful tragedy”. Might as well tweet using a random word generator.
“Be golf brisket honkytonk”
My favorite part of Zumba is mortgaging my house to pay the chiropractor.
Christmas movie innkeepers play fast and loose with their unattended candles.
What do you mean the project is DUE TOMORROW?!
– a parenting memoir
me: i can’t believe you cheated on me
him: phew! I was worried you’d believe it
*Jumps on bandwagon*
Bandwagon: I have a girlfriend
People like Bubba Gump Shrimp Co. How about more movie character restaurants? I have some suggestions:
Samwise’s Lord of the Wings
Tyler Durden’s Chowder House
Goose’s Gastropub (tagline: We feel the need… the need to feed!)
Short Round’s Tempura of Doom
Hannibal’s
i’m gonna need grocery stores to start contributing to black friday sales this year. i don’t need another big screen bro. what i need is to be able to afford cheese again.
Council: We’ll pay you 30 pieces of silver.
Judas: Never. He’s my friend.
Council: …and an iPad.
Judas: I hate that guy.
Wanna hear a joke?
Sleep.
I know, I don’t get it either.
I’ve decided to try water tomorrow, I’m pretty excited.
Cat owners aren’t lazy. They’re just often paralyzed for hours because the supreme ruler of the house is sleeping on their lap.
Any weekend is a Vampire Weekend if you can’t look at yourself in the mirror afterwards.
The bad news: climate change threatens 1 in every 4 species with extinction.
The good news: you’re one of them.
Turns out, people will turn around and walk the other way if you hiss like a cat when they approach you.
Melatonin: You want some help falling asleep?
Me: Yes please.
Melatonin: And you want your nightmares more vivid and real?
Me: What?
Ceiling Lady: 🅈🄾🅄 🄷🄴🄰🅁🄳 🄷🄸🄼.
Me: *struggling to focus on my yoga pose*
Cockroach: *crawls out of my yoga mat toward the instructor*
[Couples counseling]
“It’s not good to keep these things bottles up, you know”
Okay, fine
*opens jar of wasps*
Nope. Not gonna follow anyone whose name is upside down. I got enough problems.
In the event of a robot invasion, show them a photo and ask them to point out the street signs. It fries their circuits and they explode.
WIFE: Just face it, it’s a lost cause
WILE E COYOTE: *sifting through Acme bills* You could be a little more supportive, Janet
ME: welcome to my man cave.
PROCTOLOGIST: please stop calling it that.
The squirrels on campus are getting bold. I was eating a pop tart outside and a squirrel came over and stole my credit card information
[my gf actually turns into a worm]
me: oh my god. it’s ok, i’ll still go out with you
my worm gf: [sees a cool worm wearing a leather jacket] i think we should see other people