Dolly Parton wrote “Jolene” and “I Will Always Love You” on the same day and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
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[first day as a vet]
Me: ma’am I’m afraid your horse has some of the worst cancer I’ve ever seen
Her: um this is a camel
Me: a what now??
sorry I didn’t answer when you called, I had 6 Peeps in my mouth
I’m just a MAN standing in front of a DOOR because I thought it was AUTOMATIC
KY jelly is the worst tasting jelly.
“He’s behind me, isn’t he.”
“Yep.”
“Is he making that stupid face?”
“Yep.”
If it looks like I’m typing for five minutes I’m really just trying to spell diarrhea.
My mother was feeling cold so now I’m wearing a sweater.
caveman: I’ve invented the wheel!
hamster: finally!!!
He told me to come dressed to kill for our first date…
I now realise my Freddie Krueger outfit was not what he had in mind
Of course my days are numbered..
That’s how calendars work.
Q: What’s worse than finding a horse’s head on your pillow? A: Realising the horse is alive and well and how much did I drink last night?!
Only in America would people violently trample each other for discounts, exactly one day after being thankful for what they already have…
interviewer: can you explain the 5 year gap in your resumé
me: yes
interviewer: are you going to?
me: no
Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit, probably
Her: I don’t see color
Me: They make glasses for that now
This bouncer’s lucky I’m with my lady and physically frightened of him or he’d be in a world of pain.
i think anyone who has ever had beautiful styled hair or tried to hold a big pile of leaves in their hands will know the trouble a gust of wind can cause.
Breaking: CNN confirms planes need fuel to fly. In other news, scientist confirm brains are not needed to work at CNN.
This is the greatest Twitter thread ever
You said clothes were 50% off
But not one woman in here is topless
That false advertising!
The rest of the world should fear our military.
We have the most cutting edge technology 1954 had to offer.
I befriended a ghost who keeps wheezing all the time.
I named him Gasper.
Why do they call it alcoholics anonymous if you introduce yourself?
Me: first, I wish for you to not judge me
Genie: okay
Me: second, I wish Disney would make another Tarzan sequel
Genie: k…
Me: third, I wish we were at McDonald’s
[McDonald’s]
Me: we’ll have 2 Tarzan Banana McFlurrys please 🙂
Genie: *trying so hard to not look pissed*
It’s like you don’t even care that I filled my pockets with mashed potatoes and gravy for you
Me winding up as the last man on earth is an unlikely scenario, but an awful lot of women seem to have already thought it through.
It’s been six years since my job interview.
I’m beginning to suspect they chose someone else.
[at DMV]
Me: *pushing my way through line* birthday boys first
Guy in line: that’s not a thing!
Clerk: actually it’s on the secret menu
Guy: wha-
Me: oh and uh *winks 3 times*
Clerk: cup or cone
Me: cone pls 🙂
Clerk: *scooping ice cream* here you go sweetie
Horrifically awaiting the day all the shampoo bottles in my shower decide to squeeze me back.
Just bumped into Gloria Gaynor’s ghost!
At first I was afraid, I was petrified.