Why do I have to use leaves as toilet paper when I go camping while we have bears out there using Charmin?
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Halloween ’94: Mom says store sold out of Batman costumes and buys me a Catwoman one. Called me Catman. The worst part: she went as Batman?
Mall Cop: The guy from Jersey Shore stole a spray tan kit. He’s running up the escalator.
[static]
MC: THE SITUATION IS ESCALATING RAPIDLY
[First Date]
Her: I love Christmas.Me (trying to impress her): *Pretending I got a phone call* Sorry, it’s my boss, I need to take this. Yes? Oh, hello SANTA.
Going to the place where all the good snacks are: The Gas Station
alcohol soaked fruit is still considered fruit though right
Major Tom: This is Major Tom to Ground Control
I’m stepping through the door
& I’m floating in a most peculiar way
GC: New phone. Who dis?
IT’S-A ME,
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact“Would you like to buy some girl scout cookies?”
SURE!
…bringing the total amount of cookies to 348
Some people have no respect. It’s obvious I’m on my phone trying to do something & this guys all “STEP OUT OF THE CAR WITH YOUR HANDS UP!”
2008: i guess i’d prefer a candidate with a few more years of governing experience
2028: i voted for president bruno mars by scanning a bottle of mountain dew with my iphone
Can’t, yelling at the map tracker for every wrong turn my pizza delivery guy makes
How to cook the perfect amount of pasta:
1. Pour out how much you think you need
2. Wrong
If the wife ever ends up on Snapped, it’ll be because at any given time I have 16 boxes of cereal open.
no no i’m not stressed i just constantly grind my teeth and clench my jaw for fun.
Comcast Cable acquiring Time Warner Cable is a lot like your proctologist acquiring a bigger finger.
Him: *whispering* you still awake
Me: *exhales loudly through harmonica*
It’s called Taco Bell because Alexander Graham Bell also invented the taco.
we’re going out of town in a week if anyone can watch the dinosaurs for us
Me: lets go get a drink!
Friend: what’s the occasion?
Me: …
Friend: …
Me: I don’t understand the question.
When the executioner asks me what my final words are I’m just going to start filibustering.
me: this was fun
demon haunting me: this was not a date
me: text me when you get home
demon: ok
My 6yo hacker daughter has discovered that she can use her Google mini to control her brother’s Google mini in his room.
I just had to scold her for messing with him by remotely playing random music that he hates, just to troll him
I’m not ready for this.
Interview
Boss: Greatest weakness
Me: Sometimes I answer questions with 90s rap lyrics
B: Is that here on your resume
M: Whoomp, there it is
This gum has my stomach convinced food is coming.
I hate it when restraining orders get in the way of meaningful relationships.
Well played future wife. You win this round
Me: Are you ready for your spelling test?
6-year-old: I know all the words.
Me: Good.
6: Just not all the letters in them.
DATE: So tell me something about yourself
ME: I like to call frozen burgers ‘brrrgers’
HER: I need to see other people
*entering first day of prison*
“Are you guys mad at me?”
Leia: *gasps* Chewbacca, you’re naked!
Chewbacca: *hastily puts back on his bandoleer*