*orders expensive cat bed*
*waits 5 weeks for overseas shipping*
*watches the cat ignore it for 6 months*
*finally throws it, defeated, on top of the wardrobe*
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When Corner House says something righteous and you just think
I ran out of coffee this morning, beer seemed like an acceptable replacement. Everyone is so pretty today.
If you don’t call ahead of time I won’t answer the door, but I don’t answer phones, so you see the dilemma.
It’s so obvious that she wants me. She avoids me at all costs probably because her feelings are so strong for me.
Yeah, I’ll go with that.
The “you’ve hit the maximum limit for direct messages in a single day” pop-up alert — but for work emails.
Every Sunday is superbowel if you eat enough chili
I really want another child, but the idea of starting over with another pregnancy/infant feels like Katniss heading back into the arena.
[job interview]
“So what would you say is your biggest weakness?”
“I’m pretty bad at reading situations.” *tries to kiss interviewer*
[Marriage Counseling]
Wife: He’s always messing up even the simplest phrases.
Me: I THOUGHT we were gonna keep that on the download…
Boss-You’re Always the first one here!
Me-Hey,*early bird gets the worm, right?
*gets to poop or drink coffee without 3yr old interrupting
You can’t outrun your problems…
If I could time-travel, forget killing baby Hitler. I’d go back to use every come back I ever thought of 10 minutes too late.
Family Clue night in my house be like: It was the teen in the kitchen with the bag of Doritos.
[text]
Hub: I have to go to the doctor.
Me: Is it your eyes?
Hub: Yes!
Me: Is your vision blurry?
Hub: Yes!!
Me: You’re wearing my contacts.
LEONARDO DA VINCI: *on street corner* eeey girl! gimme a smile, girl! nah, not that big. make it cryptic, girl, like ‘what is she thinking’
Every time I see a sign that says “Right lane ends,” I’m like, so does everything else, deal with it
What if balloons take over and start twisting us into animal shapes?
internal pockets are for perverts. stay chaste by only using cargo pockets
Mitt Romney dissing Trump is like when an anime villain from the previous arc teams up to help stop the new billion times more evil villain
I’m doing zoom therapy at my mom’s house while she’s in the other room so I guess it’s dad’s fault today
me: can I try
satan: no
me: why not
satan pausing xbox: well it wouldn’t be hell then would it
TEACHER: Its report card day Timmy
TIMMY: I’m scared to look.
TEACHER: Don’t worry. It’s all B’s lol
*opens it & gets engulfed by bees*
No one:
Me: “The word “Militia” just sounds like Sean Connery saying the name Melissa.”
“Until Death Do Us Part” was put into marriage vows when the life expectancy was 35.
I don’t think mall Santas should be allowed to have fake beards. Like come on Man, you’ve got one job!
Twitter action film:
MAN 1: Follow me.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
MAN 1: No. Physically, follow me. Or you’ll be killed.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
If we date, pls know I will bird call to you from another aisle in the grocery store
Not too proud of the sounds I just made when a mouse popped out of a bag I grabbed in the garage.
I was just adoringly watching my dog sleep and he woke up and caught me and now he thinks I’m some stalker weirdo.
My 4yo just saw two people french kissing on TV and asked me why they were “eating each other,” so I’m open to suggestions here.