A door was tried in court.
It was an open and shut case.
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Doing more laundry today, seems I have more people living here than I can actually see.
Heading to Jo Ann fabrics for tweet inspiration. They have a lot of material.
Barista: name?
Benedict Cumberbatch: Benedict Cumberbatch
Barista [writes “Benedict Cumberbatch”]
Benedict Cumberbatch: holy shit
Don’t be shallow and marry someone just for their looks. Make sure they have money.
Giving birth?
Passing a gallstone?
Monica Seles tennis match?Possible scenarios from sounds emitted from chic on elliptical next to me
*updates tinder bio*
What the world needs now is love, sweet love…
And an extinction level asteroid.
Gonna swing by church later and see if anybody gave up anything I want.
detective: could you please describe the man who assaulted you
me: [first day as a police sketch artist but i lied on my resume and can only draw popeye] uh oh
victim: well he had large forearms
me: oh thank christ
[showing baby to friends]
“Aw, he looks like his dad!”
Wife [trying to hold back tears]: they say there’s nothing they can do
this is how it feels as a teacher when a student complains about school
We met for coffee yada yada yada next thing I know we’re in the back of my car covered in lobsters and her dog is driving us to the ER
Yes officer I know it seems like a lot for personal use.
Elon Musk: Inhabiting Mars is the only hope we have of saving the human race
Jesus: LOL
“HELP WITH CAT”
I accidentally poured too much hot sauce onto my lunch and damn if my life excitement didn’t just increase tenfold
Things my cat eats: grass
Things my cat shouldn’t eat: grassThings my cat should eat: cat food
Things my cat doesn’t eat: cat foodColour of my cat: black and white
Colour of cows: black and whiteSynopsis: My cat is a cow
If I had to list one thing I’m truly outstanding at I think it would be ripping open resealable bags so they are no longer sealable.
I was sad to lose an arm wrestling match to a woman, but I felt better after I found out she was a man. Then sad again because we had sex.
me: “so when do you think we’ll see a big hairy boy?”
my hunting partner: “please call them bears”
To save money, instead of going to the club, I just get drunk at home and yell “what?” into a mirror over and over.
Me growing up in the countryside with a car: “it’s literally insane that I have to drive 20 minutes to see a friend. I can’t wait to move to a city”
Me in a city: “okay, 78 minutes on three trains to see someone who lives 6 miles away, that seems fine”
True friends show up during the middle of a bad date, dressed like a police officer and pretend to arrest you for murdering 7 other guys after the first date.
Angel: Whatcha makin?
God: I call them peanuts. A tasty treat in a protective shell. They’re not really a fruit or vegetable. Most people will love to eat them.
Angel: That sounds innovative-
God: Others will eat them and die
Angel: …is this a prank?
[Murderer breaks into my house]
Murderer: “Alexa, play sinister music.”
According to this grocery list I’ve written on my hand, I’ve invented a new language.
dog: why can’t I see colors?
me: you’re visually impaired.
dog: what’s impai?
going on an overnight trip, better pack 7 shirts and 9 pairs of underwear for some reason
Me: Who made this mess?
8-year-old: Not me.
6-year-old: Not me.
4-year-old: Not me.
3-year-old: A horse. I saw it.
I have a suspect.