Salesgirl: [handing me makeup samples] here are the freebies we promised you!
Me: [wearing my brand-new beekeeper’s suit] …oh
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[second week of being able to talk to animals]
omg you like food I get it
Due to inflation, the high five has dropped to a mere middle finger
Calm down penguins. You’re just a flashy suit and a few body parts away from being a platypus.
“Daddy, why do dogs need whiskers?”
-my 7-year-old son, while discreetly holding scissors in one hand and dog whiskers in the other
STOP talking shit about F•R•I•E•N•D•S
Rachel is KIND
Monica is NURTURING
Joey is CONSIDERATE
Phoebe is TALENTED
Ross
Chandler is FUNNY
Dude with 7 followers is criticizing my jokes. That’s not a Twitter account. It’s a group text.
I love my wife dearly, but she just used the word “whatevs” for the first time, so 17 years. It’s been a good run.
Do people lifting with their knees and backs know about using their hands?
[final debate]
TRUMP: I’d like to apologize to hillary
MODERATOR: umm ok
HILLARY: umm ok
TRUMP: I brought a gift *hands her a galaxy note 7*
i either just registered my car online or i’m licensed to import rare birds now
If you eat french fries and then drink a milkshake, every time you burp it will taste like a donut. Please continue following me on the twitter dot com for more life inspiration.
Interviewer: “Is this glass half empty or half full?”
Guy: “It’s completely full.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to Lay’s.”
Imagine how difficult it would be if you had two colleagues, one called Ian and one called Iain, but Iain only had one eye.
How many Mexicans does it take to change a light bulb? Just Juan.
amazing how folks can pinpoint the subtle floral undertones in a glass of wine while i’m like “yo, is there mustard on this grilled cheese?”
Of course I trust you, the hidden cameras were to capture possible paranormal activities.
How many birds do you think you could have on you before you’d panic
I want to be a pilot, but mostly so I’d have an excuse to tell passengers, “Where we’re going, we don’t need roads.”
Neighbor: OMG your yard looks amazing
Me: thanks, I pee in it every Saturday night
“Uhm, EXCUSE me, my eyes are out HERE.” — Hammerhead sharks
If you have nothing mean to say, say it in German.
*Opens a Volkswagen restoration shop called “The Old Volks Home”*
Everybody: Pink starbursts are the best starbursts
Starburst Corporate: What I’m hearing is that the bag should be half yellow starbursts
.@cocacola i tried to give a coke bottle to a polar bear. he did not accept. also he took my son. i need my son back
Me: *giving myself a little pep-talk to remind myself I’m doing my best*
Everyone Behind Me on the Fire Escape: *not really super supportive*
Oh sweet, I was wondering how every corporation I’ve ever given my email to was handling COVID-19.
*kills time while waitimg for train*
oh no with time dead the train will never arrive
A tall guy in movie theater just sat in front of me and he’s on a date so he’s going to have good posture the whole time this sucks
Two eggs, some bacon, and a piece of toast walk into a bar. The bartender says, hey! We don’t serve breakfast here. #Tellyourworstjoke
I just want someone to make me feel like I did the first time I figured out a special move in Mortal Kombat.