Waitress: “Enjoy your meal”
Patron: “you too”Patron: ‘why did I say that?’
Waitress: [being force-fed the 6th plate of food of her shift]
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Today, my coworkers and I got reprimanded because a manager caught us aggressively twerking in absolute silence.
if I’m ever feeling lonely and I need someone to talk to me, I just announce to my spouse or kids that I’m about to take a nap
[on a rocket which just launched into space]
Me: oh shit did I switch the oven off can we head back real quick.
The phrase “you two deserve each other” sounds like a compliment, but never is.
Two raccoons reach into a moonlit bag of trash. A moment! Their paws meet. They lock eyes. They hiss and scratch the shit out of each other.
“I know you don’t wanna move so I said the realtor was coming today just to see if you’d try to ruin it”
[in kitchen dressed as ghost] I see
*wife walks over to me*
*cups my face with her hands*
*looks me in the eye*“Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?”
Doctor: Your baby is 7 pounds!
Me: So that’s like, what, three dollars?
It’s kinda hot to know that Santa’s watching.
Here’s a list of all the things my toddler doesn’t fight me on:
Am I the most attractive woman out there ? Of course not. But do I have a good personality ? Well, no. But do I wake up every day and try to be the best person that I can be ? Also no.
I’m sure a spider is never scrutinized for spending too much time on the web.
It’s not the end of the world. But at least it’s a start.
“I don’t need much” is teenager for “I may need you to take out a second mortgage to pay for all of my back to school stuff.”
“you are what you eat”
i don’t remember eating a handsome genius but ok
Purgatory but it’s just my daughter trying to count to 10 but stopping at 7 and starting over
Don’t want to get political on here but there’s no such thing as “endless shrimp.” Heads? Tails? Those are two VISIBLE ends THAT WE KNOW OF.
Someone’s fallen Lord
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Someone’s fallen Lord
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Someone’s fallen Lord
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Oh Lord Hashtag Lol
i don’t want to know what five dentists think about a certain toothpaste, i want to know what they think about EVERYTHING. four out of five dentists recommend kierkegaard
If you didn’t want me gazing in your bedroom window then you shouldn’t have put it at the same height as my ladder.
I have OCD as well as ADD.
Basically, that means I like to keep shiny objects that distract me in an even number of neat, organized piles.
I don’t know if I’m still tired or already tired.
FRIEND: Just let her down easy
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: *jumping in bouncy castle* I WANT A DIVORCE, KAREN
Jesus was actually killed by the FBI when he discovered birds weren’t real
*Licking my plate clean
Girlfriend)You still have to wash that
Me)This house is a prison
STATUS UPDATE: Helping my coworkers look for the last leftover donut I ate in the conference room this afternoon.
1) Put on chicken costume
2) Go to store to pick up eggs
3) Run up to store manager and emotionally scream “WHO DID THIS TO MY CHILDREN????”
Cinderella is my favorite story about choosing a spouse based on shoe size.
[job interview]
“So do you have any questions you’d like to ask me?”
Can I wait a week until I take the drug test?
my proudest tweet