am i supposed to have a separate mouth with which to kiss my mother please advise
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Of course I work out. I do burpees after drinking pop. I do lunges to grab the last slice of pizza & squats if I drop it.
Flushing my dead goldfish down the toilet. I am kicking this addiction for good
No problem, 3 people is my maximum anyway
I hate when things are inscrutable. just wanna scrute ‘em so BAD.
[In football huddle]
“What do you guys think happens when we die?”
My age reversal cream is working. It gave me zits.
[talking with ex]
Me: Is he more boring than me?
Her: He is.
Me: *devastated* How could you?
Father of Prodigal Son: For this my son was dead, and is alive again! He was lost, and is found!
Fatted Calf: This cannot be good
“I don’t expect much so I am rarely disappointed”
– People who haven’t met me yet
Personal Trainer: No pain, no gain
Me: Deal
Hairless cats look like the devil screwed up a possession.
ME: The plane has wifi? Sweet, I’m going to Skype call that radio psychic.
RADIO PSYCHIC: Go ahead caller, you’re on the air
ME: HOLY SHIT
Urine for a real treat today.
-Toilets
My wife refuses to hire a housekeeper bc *checks notes* she doesn’t want them to see this mess.
my date ended up being a mannequin
i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the movies
People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. They should utilize the cover provided by the transparent walls and return fire with lasers.
My rap name is “NO PLANZ.”
*Dentist’s waiting room*
*Trying to make conversation with other patient*
So… I guess you have teeth, too?
“Please bear with me” and “please bare with me” are two very different requests
My term for half of a 13×9 pan of brownies is “dessert”.
My term for the other half is “breakfast”.
[grocery store]
Cashier: hi thereCustomer: hello
Stray Package of Hot Dogs Discarded By The Snickers:
Hey look I’m candy bars lol
The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks to hide their identities from all the other walking and talking turtles
Staples is attempting a hostile takeover
of its rival Office Depot.Office Depot has retaliated by
snapping rubber bands at Staples.
When something is boring we shouldn’t call it vanilla. Vanilla is a rich and complex flavor. When something is boring should call it “red velvet.”
I’ve met a lot of dudes named Will; never have they helped me find the way.
I’m always Beware #MakesMeCautious
My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.
I don’t know the full history of US and Canada but somehow we’ve got joint custody of geese
When a zoo animal dies they always call it “beloved” or a “crowd favorite” like there’s some animal named “Jimmy the zebra everyone hates”
I’ve done the math, and 97% of people who “light up a room” get murdered.