[Before date]
Friend: Just don’t talk about your pants again
Me: Relax, I know how to flirt[Later]
Me: so I just unzip here and boom! shorts
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My wife is trying to turn on Alexa but keeps calling her Siri haha now I don’t feel as bad about last night.
Flex on houseplants by drinking water whenever you want
Bon Jovi is French for Good Jovi.
Me: What are you going to be when you grow up?
4: I’m going to be a mom.
Me: That sounds fun!
4: No, it won’t be.
[11 has been working on his homework for 1 hour]
11: Guess what, there are only 3 people in the U.S. with my exact name.
Me: What class is this for?
11: I haven’t started yet.
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
I got chased by two Canadian geese today. I know they were Canadian because when they realized I was genuinely scared, they apologized.
When one door closes another one opens. I should really get this cabinet fixed.
you would think “cyber-art heist” would be something awesome. it never is. imagine having a fortune in art stolen and when people ask what happened you have to be like “i updated my printer and within seconds a million in monkey jpegs was gone”
Me: *shares irrefutable and well known fact that no one has dared question in the history of the entire world*
5 year old: No it isn’t
interviewer: you have a 3 year gap on your resume that just says “vengeance”
me:
interviewer:
me: you don’t remember me do you?
There’s an old sheet of paper in the Batcave with “Carrier pigeons” “Carrier bats (??)” “Morse code” crossed out, and “Searchlight” circled.
Me: At the start of this year, I never could’ve guessed I’d be in debt to a raccoon
Friend: Animal Crossing is pretty fun though
Me: What’s Animal Crossing?
Turkey: *mumbles*
President: Pardon?
Turkey: Thanks, so long sucker
[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: idk seems kinda bad
Airlines need to freakin’ make up their mind abt the temp of the plane once n for all.
1st flight was so freakin’ cold, I could see my soda freeze as I was drinking it n now the 2nd one is throwing so much hot air like I wanna lie naked rn!!!
#travelling
#AmericanAirlines
jobs applications be like “submit your resume”….wtf?? how’s that creepy baby from twilight gonna help me get this job
Cops are always like “Where were you when the murder took place” and never “How were you when the murder took place”
ICEBERG: heard about ernie?
ICEBERG 2: yep…clobbered by a cruise ship
ICEBERG: gotta be careful—damn things are 86% hidden above the surface
People say that Twitter is pointless but it’s teaching my children to be self sufficient.
Women dressed head to toe in animal print just bumped into me, thought I was being attacked my an obese leopard.
My date telling me that I reminded her of her father would have made me feel much less uncomfortable at dinner than it did the next morning.
“No way!” said the hitchhiker as both he & the driver held up an ax. “I was gonna kill you!” “No I was gonna kill YOU!” eruption of laughter
My wife and I stood waving to the neighbor for 10 minutes this morning before we realized she was cleaning her windows.
I feel like the person who named pink eye also named orange juice.
My credit score is a family of raccoons hissing over a McRib.
[Planning Rustic Vacation]
Me: Should we rent a cabin or a cottage?
Her: What’s the difference?
M: Well, cottages are usually home to witches who eat children; cabins usually contain partying teens who get murdered by a psychopath.
H: I meant in price.
I just found out my twin brother and I were switched at birth.
According to WebMD, I either have the Ebola virus or I just sat on my car keys :/
Interviewer: what would you say has been your crowning achievement?
Me: you mean besides making it through the birth canal?
Interviewer: haha good one. How about after that?
Me: Yeah no, that’s about it