Why don’t Elvis impersonators call themselves the next best King?
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Pro-tip: instead of telling a woman she looks tired, make her day by saying literally anything else
My husband’s on a work Skype, so every few minutes I silently cross the room behind him dressed as a new character from Wicked.
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
In an effort to keep the employees motivated and increase morale, my boss has asked me to stop talking to everyone.
It’s like mama always says, you’ve gotta pickle your battles
Stick your battles in a jar
Pour brine all over your battles
Let those battles sit for months until they turn sour
Choose the juiciest battle and serve it with a nice pastrami sandwich
The bad news is my toddler dumped my husband’s large water bottle all over the couch and himself. The good news is now he’s had his bath
My advice to the younger generation: make your mistakes now. Because by the time you’re 40, you’ll barely even remember them! And then you get to make the same mistakes all over again it’s really fun
The premise of The Exorcist is truly terrifying. Imagine having a 12-year-old daughter.
Wasn’t wearing my glasses at the park and bent down to pet some guy’s gym bag. How’s your night going?!
If orange juice comes with pulp included, vodka should have mashed potato in it.
*Sees feelings chasing me down.
*Builds wall of McDonald’s fries.
*Crisis averted.
Since he knows me best, I’m adding my bartender as a LinkedIn reference.
[Shark Tank]
INVESTOR: So, it’s a bra, with a built in queso holder?
ME: Yep
INVESTOR: And you call it the-
ME: The Bracho, yes
Oh sure you’re having a bad day, but did you buy grapes with seeds by mistake?
Of course I’ve slept in the wet spot
My ex drooled like a Komodo dragon
I hate when my MacBook start breathing heavy
Hi guys, got a second date tonight, we’re going to the cinema. What’s the best flavour of soup to put in my thermos? Wanna get this just right
A step-by-step guide on how to not finish anything.
Step One: Have kids.
Look out. The Guest Who Wants to Help in the Kitchen has arrived. She is me and she does nothing well.
AMERICA:
Here in the UK
we refer to Jay Z as “Jay Zed”
Ice T as “Ice Ted”
And LL Cool J as “Led Led Cool Jed”
I’d choose @funTweeters over anti-depressants any day.
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
We’d never met, or even spoken, but I could tell just from gazing into her pale blue eyes I had stepped on her toe.
*first day as a magician*
Me: For my next trick im going to make this parrot disappear, abracadabra!
Child: the parrots under your shirt. I can see it.
Me: no it isn’t
My shirt: no it isn’t
I’ve dated a guy who collected stained glass and wore bowling gloves so don’t talk to me about standards.
“I mean if you do the math the most weight I can really gain from the pound of pumpkin pie I ate tonight is only one pound” I thought fatly.
an ear doctor’s practice called “hear, here” somebody write that down
social media jobs be like:
Do you know your TikTok from your Facebook? have you ever heard of or seen “a computer”?
Then you just might be perfect for our SOCIAL MEDIA DIRECTOR job, running every online element of our business
£13k, Slough
INSTRUCTIONS FOR HUSBANDS TOLD TO DO LAUNDRY:
1.Know when to hold em
2.Know when to fold em
3.Know when to walk away
4.Know when to run
Demon: This is Hell’s library
-Seems…nice? Just looks like a library.
OPEN ONE!
-Ok *opens* This is in Comic Sans!
*cackles* They all are!