one time i went to a guy’s house and he made me watch The Crow on DVD and then when it ended he restarted it from the beginning and i had to pretend my flatmate had been arrested so i could leave
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I’m going to be a printer today and just not work.
[first day as detective]
Me: looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me [pointing at bullet wound]: well yeah
[Annual Review]
Boss: how do you think you performed this year?
Me: *an accountant* I think I “excelled” at my job.
Boss: you’re fired.
Me: This is such an accrual profession.
Shoplifting may be wrong in a general sense, but what if, for example, I’m bored of paying for things
I always carry a red Sharpie on me in case I have to draw blood.
ME: My new contacts are here!
WIFE: Don’t put them all on at once like you did last—
ME: [eyes wide] I CAN SEE YOUR BONES
ATTENTION: Can the owner of the ‘MarioKart Champion’ tshirt return to security? There are several women here who’d like to have sex with you
*shouting like a carnival barker* Worry, worry, worry!
Chicken salad with egg in it is my fave way to eat two generations.
Offering $50 and a case of beer to anyone who can take out my alarm clock and make it look like an accident.
Daughter: What does gays mean?
Me: Well you know mum and dad love each other – two men can love each other the same way
Her: So what’s ‘penetrating gays’?
Me: Er… read me the whole sentence
Her: “She stared at him with a penetrating gaze”
Me: Oh
I like to flush the toilet a few times when I’m on the phone with someone who calls me so they know not to do that again
They need a coach to help people deplane. “You can do this… grab your bag. You got it. Now go! GO! GO! Get off the plane, you idiot!”
Everyone is unique.
Except you.
You are not unique.
You are the only not unique person in human history.
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone. Who threw that? Gary, was that you? Don’t act innocent, I know you download music illegally.
Me: So, what do you look for in a guy?
Her: Someone tall.
Me: I’m over six feet.
Her: Someone who likes to travel.
Me: I’ve been to Japan.
Her: Someone with a steady job.
Me: I’ve been working since 1954.
Her: You’re Godzilla, aren’t you?
Me: What? No… *Eats a train*
Me: [starts singing quietly to myself while doing dishes]
My 5-year-old, who regularly screams for no reason: Stop that
ME: it’s 69 degrees in france
FRIEND: nice
ME: no paris
I should have just told her she smells nice and left out the like Grandma’s pierogis part.
*gets hit by car*
me: it’s ok buddy can happen to anyone*friend says I’ll call you right back and doesn’t*
me: there can be no forgiveness for this
Dog: Why don’t you feed me more?
Me: Because I love you and I don’t want you to get fat.
Dog: … You must really hate yourself.
I’ll believe corporations are people when conservatives ban them from marrying each other.
Me: I’ll just tuck this away so I don’t lose it.
Narrator: she would never find it again.
Dyslexics are teople poo!
boss: you’ve been late 3 times this week, u know what that means
me: it must be Wednesday
Look, woman, I’ll do laundry when I’m out of clean clothes. *puts on skirt* I didn’t say whose clothes.
I don’t want to establish dominance. I want to take a nap while someone else handles everything.
Me: I have a case of the Mondays.
Lawyer: that’s not a thing.
Judge: but it should be I’ll allow.
Call a dude bro 3 times in a row and he’ll automatically flex.
It’s the redoucheflex
You don’t need a therapist when you have a strong support group around your barstool.