If the final comments of your speech last 45 minutes, please don’t preface them with “and lastly”.
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A confidential source has informed me that the earth is gonna hatch
I just want to meet a man the old fashioned way: While being exchanged for livestock.
[prehistoric times]
MUM: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDAUGHTER: So I gather
[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Bourgeoisie
ME: Really? W o w
JUDGE: *annoyed* Sir, the word is Bourgeoisie
ME:*clears throat* Eff – U – See – Kay – U
that colleague who touches your screen
*Boyfriend gets in bed*
Him: Wanna fool around?
Me: *Doesn’t hear him because I’m tipping the cheetos bag directly into my mouth*
The last time I did my happy dance I got pepper-sprayed.
Wait. Those Nigerian girls are still missing??
What about that really cool hashtag we made?
They didn’t free them when they saw it??
Started raining WHILE I was in the car wash. Like..
THE GIRL SCOUTS ANNOUNCED A NEW COOKIE NAMED RASPBERRY RALLY AND IF THEY THINK THEY’RE GOING TO GET ME TO BUY MORE OF THEIR UNHEALTHY, FATTENING COOKIES TO RUIN MY DIET, I’ll take 25 boxes please.
The Exorcist was probably the worst workout video ever.
Two more plagues and Pharaoh lets us all go, right?
3:27 am is a fine time to walk around on someone’s back
– my cat
I don’t flex at the gym…but I will air dry to the Macarena to buy myself some space in the men’s locker room.
Me: lord give me a sign
Lord: *gives me a sign*
Me: no, give me a sign I like
no matter how many times I drown my laundry, it keeps coming back.
I think being an anxiety/antisocial person would save me in most horror movie scenarios.
I don’t answer my phone or my door, I’m rarely out after 7 pm, and if I hear a weird noise, I ignore it as its none of my business.
But…I do like antiques, haunted trinkets would get me.
me: please don’t be mad
getaway driver: what’s wrong
me(left the money in the bank): nothing let’s go
[Olympic Swimming]
CANADIAN ANNOUNCER: I feel bad for the water look how hard they’re kicking it.
Gets pulled over:
” it’s because I can’t see isn’t it?!”
BIDEN: That went well.
OBAMA: Did you have to say you loved Trump’s sons in Twilight?
BIDEN: It’s what I do.
Good vacation so far, aside from the faceless man telling us “You will never leave this island.”
ISIS MEMBER: Andy is your western name. what would you like your new, terrorist name to be?
ME: Barry Bombs
The revolution will be televised, but interrupted by a live breaking story about a new panda at the zoo.
TMNT gave me unrealistic expectations of city sewer systems.
My parents were always subverting gender norms. Mom grilled. Dad watched lifetime movies. Both wept when I left the lasagna out all night.
doctor: your wife’s gone into labor
husband: oh no, I hate unions