No thanks, Genie. I’m not falling for the old “rub the magic lamp” trick again.
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I like my women like I like my donuts: round and drowned in coffee.
time to go viral by writing an obvious thing in all caps a bunch of times.
repeat after me.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
“My god,” I whisper as the food arrives. “Just as the prophecy foretold.”
Please don’t feel you need to explain your opinions to idiots. We do not care what you think.
I’m going on an all breadcrumb diet because I’ve never seen a duck with a double chin.
My wife sent me an image of herself which really enticed me into coming home from work early.
It was a picture of her at the airport.
they finally got him. they got macavity
“Does this hurt?”
“YES!”
“What about this?”
“OW!”
*Dr. writes notes*
“Patient shows symptoms of pain when stabbed with knife. Keep updates.”
The next person who says I’m using chopsticks incorrectly can cut this umbilical cord themselves
See?! THIS is why we don’t invite Elsa to the lake house in the summer….
When a guy looks at me, when he’s with a girl, half of me thinks douchebag! Other half hears don’t cha by pussycat dolls playing in my head.
I’ve been drinking.
So many recipes say they can be made with stuff you definitely have in your kitchen already, but then none of them ever call for expired sour cream or the giant extra thing of red pepper flakes you bought by accident.
[walking out of bathroom]
me: oh boy, do NOT go in there
*guy walks in anyway*
*comes out screaming*
me: ya it’s like super haunted
Me:”If you ever give me another gift with ‘some assembly required’, you’re dead to us.”
6:*writing thank you card* But, um..
Me: Write it!
When you’re married, it’s important for you both to work on keeping the magic alive and chained up in the basement where it can’t escape.
Oh good. Another podcast set decorated with bobble heads. Remember when nerds had the the good manners to be ashamed of themselves?
Review for this new shatter I just tried:
Thinking about how if someone stole my deck I wouldn’t be able to get into my house because the door is too high.
Family: come play dodgeball
Me: nah
Fam: oh come on
Me: no thanks
Fam: JUST PLAY
Me: *nails 6 year old in the face*
It truly bothers me how many people would marry someone just for their money. Because I’m trying to do that & you’re lowering my chances.
I really hate to get religious on here, but have you seen the thigh gap on Jesus. DAYUM!
I definitely thought I would have shot the lock off of something by now in my life.
[at airport Subway]
One footlong before my flight to Zurich
“American or Swiss?”
I’m flying Swiss
“I mean for cheese?”
No, for business
he literally just said, “everyone’s saying i won the debate.”
is it possible…hear me out…trump has an imaginary friend named Everyone?
Weather man said all you need today is sunglasses and sunscreen but I think I’ll put some clothes on too.
Messaging my hair person to make an appointment for sometime in the week and finding out they are now based in the UK….
My 8yo: A kid at school is always mean to me.
Me: What do you think is a good way to deal with it?
8yo: We should probably call the FBI and run surveillance on him.
4 can finally say the letter l. However, he has over corrected and started randomly replacing letters with ls. It’s lucking conlusing.
Nothing like the door blowing off a plane to make us all appreciate a road trip
Me: Time for bed, son. I don’t make the rules.
6: OK. But who makes the rules?
Me:
6:
Both of us: Mom.