Parenthood is where you spend 18 years saying no all because of that one critical time you said yes.
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If a child’s survival depended on my ability to share bacon, I would weep greasy, bacony tears at that child’s funeral.
Took my 6 y/o daughter to a college football game and my dream of turning her into a fan quickly faded when she asked to go home in the first quarter because “we just watched this game on TV last week.”
When the party host collects everyone’s coats and throws them on their bed, I just stay in mine and take a nap among the jackets.
Not to brag but I don’t need alcohol to do something stupid.
[3am]
no one:
not a soul:
my dog: *wonder if I can break the world record for how loud I lick myself
INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
HER: do you have a retirement plan?
ME: [grew up on action movies] i’ll simply pull ONE LAST JOB
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
I love playing catch with my dogs when I’m drunk, because I don’t have dogs when I’m sober.
New rule: no video games before the time you’d normallly get home from school. That’s going to work with the 17 year old, right?
spouse: what are you doing
me: i’m writing a pilot
spouse: oh that’s so cool 🙂
me: thanks *starts typing* dear han, so who really shot first?
My son said he’d do something in a minute.
So far it’s been 185 days, 16 hours & 11 minutes but who’s counting.
whats the most professional email sign off that implies if you have to follow up in any way you’re prepared to put the recipient in a wood chipper? for me it’s thanks.
*sitting in the dark at the kitchen table waiting for my wife*
Hello Karen. Maybe you’d like to tell me who used all my essential oils
Me: Can I get a sick note?
Doctor: Here u go.
Me:
Note: *coughs*
WIFE: stop quoting Britney Spears songs or I’ll leave you
ME: but I’m a slave 4 u
WIFE: that’s it
ME: (whispers) oops I did it again
[pitching my invention of liquid chicken nuggets]
CEO: so you just drink them?
ME: *pulls a needle and syringe out of my briefcase* think bigger
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who asked for oatmeal and you have the audacity to give them oatmeal.
Want to annoy the man in your life? Pronounce MMA “mama”.
The bad news is there was a lot of turbulence on my flight this morning. The good news is my phone counted it as steps.
Sure stepping on a Lego is painful, but have you ever twisted your ankle tripping over a cold and shamed Natalie Imbruglia lying naked on the floor?
Some Olympians have been training since they were 5.
I’m hoping my 6yo comes home from summer camp today with 2 shoes on.
Pro tip…Excessive use of alcohol can cause memory loss or worse memory loss.
Just once I’d like to see 25 tiny cars come out of a clown.
“I got this”
-hypochondriac reading Web MD
I got a letter from a bill collector saying this is the last time they will attempt to contact me, so this problem really solved itself
[at roller rink]
My fanny pack is filled with marbles in case I need to create a diversion.
Thank you lady with the screaming kid I almost forgot to pick up more condoms.
Hey, let’s eat outside tonight so the flies can eat our food while the mosquitos eat us, & the kids eat nothing because they hate burgers today.