There’s 2 types of people in this world, people who give 110%, and the people who passed 4th grade math.
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Me: I’m so excited! I just planted my first Azalea.
Iggy: Help! Let me out of here!
Me: Hush! Flowers don’t talk silly.
I may or may not have a joke about Schrodinger’s cat.
There are two wolves inside of us? I’m pretty sure I have 2 raccoons inside of me and they’re fighting over an old can of beans they found in the trash.
Navy: (subtweets)
Army: (helicoptertweets)
Japan’s flag is like a pie chart of how much of Japan is Japan.
I bet Thor would lose his shit if he knew how many hammers are at Home Depot.
The only time I chase guys is when they try to steal my food
Probably even more relevant for the next couple of days.
“Just make sure he knows these are for Christmas AND his birthday”
Happy Birthday if it’s yours today.
You’d think a baby would make the perfect paperweight, but this one keeps rolling off my desk.
Billy, 41, Aries, has been driving a city bus for 15 years but hopes to one day follow his dream and be a professional hand model. He enjoys country music and poker night with the boys. He is hoping to find someone willing to take a gamble on him and fix his achy breaky heart
People who complain about parties must not like free food.
I was a horrible mother today and declared that I loved one of my kids more than the other. Well what I really said was, ‘please don’t hit your sibling’ but apparently it’s the same thing
What idiot called it a national anthem instead of country music?
Me *Happily comes home from the hairdresser with fresh highlights and cut.
Bf: So what did they do to it?
Post natal depression is a serious condition. I’m 38 years old and my mum still bursts into tears every time she sees me.
Cutest thing I saw was the dad angrily slamming the sliding door of his minivan but it slowed down by itself and latched silently and then it was just kind of sad.
“That was supposed to be a compliment.”
-Men
CREEPY TWINS FROM THE SHINING: Come play with us. Forever.
ME: *voice fading as I run down the hall: I have commitment issuuuuuuuues…
Just found seven Easter eggs while putting up Halloween decorations.
Psst. The real reason Ryan Gosling is taking a break from acting was to molt, mature & become Ryan Goose.
You know what comes after “leg day”?
Can’t walk up or down stairs day
I love visiting my parents cause then we get to argue about why it’s not ok to give my kids ketchup that’s 2 years expired.
Me: I think my computer’s broken
Boss: just give it to the IT guy
Me: okay *walks outside and tosses my laptop into the sewer* good luck
why am i having trouble navigating this map??
Still far too much of my kitchen cupboard space is taken up by ingredients that I needed 5g of for a recipe that I made once 9 years ago, which tasted awful.
dan dan noodles… the food so nice they danned it twice. thanks for liking my posts
me: awhinersayswhat?
daughter: what?
*my wife and I high five*
My daughter still doesn’t understand this math problem even though I’ve explained it in several different frustrated tones.
“I’m scared of thunder and vacuums but this beehive full of killer bees looks delicious.”
– Dogs
If you don’t like giving advice just look sage & say one completely unrelated thing you know to be true & let the other person assume it’s a metaphor.