Very proud of how these turned out. I bought them from a store like a normal person.
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My friend sneezed and I didn’t say “God bless you” and I had to watch helplessly as demons appeared and dragged him to hell.
Dear ads, I have the buying power of a Victorian milkmaid
Pretending I’m eating a salad by putting some lettuce in a bowl of candied walnuts.
Some ppl like I TRUST ONLY YOU WITH MY SECRET DONT TELL ANYBODY and then go tell it to 10 ppl
Daenerys Targaryen is basically one of those people that thinks they’re a parent because they have a dog.
Don’t call me honey or baby if I don’t know you.
I’ll marry you and move my mother in with us and then you’ll be sorry.
8yo: Geez Mom. Haven’t you ever heard of privacy?
Me: Not since you were born.
I almost just turned down a beer.
Calm down, I said almost.
The worst part of eating dessert is when it’s interrupted by the nagging thought that it’s not healthy for you. So I eat really fast and beat the thought completely.
I love the idea of Frankenstein applying for a research grant and having to admit he’s skipping the testing on mice and going directly for human trials.
Parents,
Have you ever tried to go a whole day just saying yes to everything your kid wants or asks for and if so what time did your house burn down? Was it 10am or earlier?
Drinking pineapple juice will improve your complexion and adding rum will improve others’ looks.
“Well, I guess I’ll stagger around, speak gibberish, & touch all the shit I’m not supposed to while you get irritated.”
Drunks & toddlers.
My little girl buried a 25 cents and said she’s growing a money tree.
I laughed but secretly water it every day just in case..
michael jordan’s parents really named him after a shoe
I just accidentally swallowed a whole bunch of Scrabble tiles. My next shit could spell disaster.
Uber Eats:
Food
Tip
Sales tax
Service tax
Gas tax
Just because tax
What are you gonna do about it tax
Women do things I can’t even imagine doing: give birth, close cabinet doors, etc.
Storm about to blow in, very windy, out in my yard talking to neighbor
Neighbor: *talking, shifts*
Me: *shifts, too, talking*
N: *moves, keeps talking*
M: *moves, too, keeps talking*
N: Why are you copying me? Wait…Are you using me to block the wind?
Me: Yes
N: *laughing*
I just checked Amazon again and they still don’t sell fire-breathing dragons. I’m a Prime member, this is bullshit.
He asked what my favorite position was… I said CEO
The worst time to find out your parents are dead is probably right after you’ve taken a large hit from helium balloon.
marriage tip: if your wife says she gained weight on vacation and you find out you lost weight – no you did not. in fact, you gained more than her plus you now have diabetes and need an oxygen tank. got it? ok good talk.
My kid went from saying “please” to “do it” and I really enjoyed my time with her but I think we’re over now.
Can we all just agree that nothing needs to be connected to Facebook ever?
chumbawamba: I get knocked down
me: so relatable
chumbawamba: but I get up again
me: oh nevermind
“How crazy is your ex? Crazy like my triceps?” “How sick is your mother? Sick like my triceps?”
I mean I married my wife for her looks, but not the dirty ones she’s been giving me lately.
me: *eating spaghetti sandwich*
carb god: *rubbing biscuit hands together* goood goood
my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, and open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned