Resistance training
But me dragging my kids into school.
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If you’re a doctor, don’t look up from my lab results and just say, “Six months,” when you mean, “COME BACK in six months.”
If I’ve already used “For sure”, “Right?”, “No kidding” and “Seriously”, your story has gone on too long. I am out of responses.
Nudes are overrated. You should probably just send me a picture of those little plastic swipy things in your wallet.
If you are experiencing joint pain, you are probably holding the lit end.
[Baseball game]
ME: [giggle] I love how they named the positions in the game after the bases of sex
HIM: What? No, baseball came first
ME: ok I’m pretty sure sex came before baseball
Home Depot is having their “ultimate tool event” in case anyone wants to buy my cousin Tyler.
NEED SOMEONE TO FILM AN ONLYFANS VID WITH ME:
You pretend to be a mover helping me get my things from one apartment to the other. I wear a tiny sundress and you don’t touch me you just move my things. This does not pay
Buy a man a tee and he’ll golf for a day. Buy a manatee and you’ll have trouble housing your new pet
My glasses are dirty but I don’t want to move from the couch so I guess TV’s blurry from now on
[at a restaurant]
Her: I’m going with meatloaf
Me: *crying* I hope you guys are happy together
TREE: [sees christmas tree thru window] who dose he think he is. all dressed up. too good to be outside
ANOTHER TREE: be nice, he is dying
My wife and I just renewed our vows of celibacy.
*Movie’s 10 second sex scene begins
My dad who’s been missing for 12 years: hey whatcha watchin’
[First day at the fortune cookie factory]
Me: Boss, I got this order for 10k cookies boxed and ready to go.
Boss: That’s Incredible, it’s normally a week long job!
Me: Yeah, I worked real hard because you left me all these inspirational little notes.
[My Last day at the factory]
ME:You wanna come in?
VAMPIRE:Oh, can’t, vampire
M:Unless I invite you
V:Oh…you know about that
M:Yeah, you can-
V:It’s just…I’m super busy…
Yes, Barbie gave us unrealistic body standards. But she also gave us unrealistic expectations about boyfriends being willing to wear matching neon outfits and rollerblade with you.
my girlfriend and i are having a big fight bc i think the toys from Toy Story are immortal and she thinks they can die
That mini-heartattack you get when you sport a typo in your tweet.
What idiot called it a rattlesnake’s warning rattle and not a cautionary tail?
GOD: A snake that is also a cat lol
ANGEL: What
GOD: Cat snake lmao
£900 pound for an iPhone 6?
Airplane mode better take me on holiday
[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
Me: I spy with my little eye something beginning with i
Other Titanic lookout: hmmm
toothpaste ads are like do you want your teeth to look so good it makes your friends feel like shit? and ppl be like hell yeah i do
doctor: are you sexually active?
me: buddy, i’m not even regularly active
On the bright side, when wearing a face mask, I pick my nose in public much less often.
ME: Ugh hate summer when bees are flying everywhere
BEE [angrily undoing seatbelt on plane] I’m gonna sting him
BEE WIFE:Just leave it David
I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
assistant: sir, profits have decreased by 50%
shrink ray company CEO: excellent
*runs into a burning building to save the fire*