I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
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Girlfriend just called me by my full given name.This is gonna end poorly.
Cop – “Sir are your trafficking these children?”
Me – “No sir, they are my children.”
Cop – “ Then why are they screaming ‘HELP HELP, get me out!’ as loud as they can?”
Me – “Sorry, there was a fly in the car.”
Cop – “EWW, A FLY!!!”
I wonder if Eric Clapton really thought she looked Wonderful or was it just the 20th outfit she’d tried & he just wanted to get to the party
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMAO
*watching James Blunt mouth “not you” to me after singing You’re Beautiful in concert*
Paramedic: *frantically beating his fist on my chest*
2nd paramedic: Tom…TOM…*grabs him* you can stop, he’s dead
Paramedic: I know, I just *exhales* hated him
Dogs should be allowed to drive.
A Freudian sitcom would be How I Meant Your Mother
Everyone makes fun of Aquaman, but he’s got it all figured out.
He spends all day chilling in the water.
His life is one big pool party.
Yoplait
I plait
We all plait for foreplait.
*wife walks in*
*sees cheese balls everywhere*
*shakes head*“what? 8 won’t get better at catching food in his mouth if we don’t practice”
Watermelon is the perfect drink when you’re thirsty, but want to chew it.
Me: THE CAKE IS TAKING TOO LONG
Priest: it’s objections to the marriage, specifically
[showing my 4yo a Slinky]
me: look, it’s walking down the stairs
kid: what else can it do
me: literally nothing
my son swallowed our amazon dash button and now im afraid to hug him for fear of ordering another bulk order of goldfish snacks. am i cursed
Fill the piñata with goat intestines to teach children about the brutal consequences of violence.
Walked by a restaurant where they were using iPads for menus. How cheap are iPads now? More importantly, how expensive are menus?
If your best clothes proudly advertise Monster Energy Drink, you can’t be left alone with your best looking cousin.
My neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the crazy naked lady and I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
The reason I don’t like costume parties is the bit two hours in when you’re listening to your friend talking about her mum’s dementia and you’re dressed as Mario.
DOCTOR: congratulations it’s a baby-
ME: giraffe?
DOCTOR: what? No. It’s a boy. A human boy.
ME: *looks at wife* you lied to me
It’s official… My voice is incapable of making, “Thanks. I appreciate that” not sound sarcastic.
I’m the guy that slams on his horn in traffic and fake looks behind me to see who’s doing it.
*jesus turns water to wine*
me: you can’t just insert goods into an economy you’ll cause deflation
Jesus: my child-
me: NO! it’s bullshit!
My friend returned a Tupperware container without the lid, so now I’m offering a reward for its safe return.
my girlfriend went to slip into something more comfortable six months ago which makes me wonder how comfortable you can possibly be
Library patron on the phone is furious that we’re holding her responsible for a DVD that she swears she never checked out and besides it’s such a stupid movie she didn’t even finish watching it.
I am grateful for the canned, boxed, frozen dinners my parents provided. BUT my favorite thing about having worked in kitchens for years and having the time and ability to cook great, from-scratch meals for my children is when they say, “Ugh! Can’t we just order pizza!?!”
I came across an account that only tweeted about fedoras, so I reported him for hat speech.