Stay vigilante (if you see something, stab something)
You Might Also Like
When someone asks “What’s your favorite film?” instead of “What’s your favorite movie?” I know instantly that my answer will disappoint them
I accidentally rubbed some ketchup in my eye. Now I have Heinz sight.
we’ve all been home together for a solid week now and my 6-year-old has expressed daily outrage about how the wh- in “whole” is different than in “when” and “why” and now i’m mad about it too
Ever wonder what happens when you piss into a Brita filter? Well, for starters, you get a TON of emails from Airbnb.
I should probably do some housework before they try to film the next Febreeze commercial here.
publisher: tell me all about it
orwell: it’s about a farm
publisher: sounds good
orwell: with animals
publisher: naturally
orwell: and they’re fascists
publisher: of course
A TV show where customers get to hear what employees said 10 seconds after they left the store.
This is the huge spider that I killed inside my shirt by slapping my side while driving my kid to school. So, yea, I’d call it a win win.
Mom: Some scary old lady keeps FaceTiming me.
Me: Mom, turn your camera around and she’ll go away.
Ideas for getting more exercise:
– Move the biscuits farther away
– Buy a heavier kettle
im not a morning person. in the morning i am a goat
wife on facebook: homework with 9, he’s doing so well!
wife to me: it took him 8 tries to spell cake. CAKE. grab some wine on your way home
how come we never get to click boxes of dinosaurs or volcanoes why is it always vehicles
me: wheres the 13th floor?
builder: we skip it in all our buildings
me: what why
builder:
me:
builder: *embarrassed* too spooky
I was living with this woman for almost 6 years.
Then she noticed.
Me: You’re dumping me because I never listen and you’re gay!?
Boyfriend: …No. I said I’m dumping you because you never listen, have a nice day!
Why does non alcoholic beer exist? Do people who manufacture it think we drink beer because of its taste?? We drink beer to message our ex at 2 am and tell her that we still miss her.
Birds: but doesn’t the blood rush to-
Bats: pnq ǝɹǝɥ dǝǝls oʇ ƃuᴉʎɹʇ ǝɹ,ǝʍ
[HONK HONK]
…one more honk and I’m gonna…
[HONK]
*gets out of my car*
*walks to the car behind me*
*feeds the driver’s goose some bread*
6-year-old: What if dementors attack our house?
Me: They can’t get in.
6: Why not?
Me: My patronus is a screaming toddler.
The neighbor woke me up with his lawn mower. I’m going to sit outside and play my recorder all day.
My dog stayed up late playing with the neighbor dog last night and then he slept till 11am and he won’t tell me a thing about her, is this what it’s like to parent a teenager?
Cupcakes are amazing, because holding a full size cake up to your face isn’t socially acceptable for some reason.
I ordered botox instead of a bowflex and you can’t tell but I’m mad
*Takes one earbud out*
*Hears kids fighting*
*Puts earbud back in*
If you’re suddenly feeling warm and wet, it might be because I put your Voodoo doll somewhere warm and wet.
The duality of toddlers:
Banana = Best food in the worldBanana with the peel pulled down just a little too far = Worst thing that’s ever happened. Like honestly, how dare you?
If I hadn’t heard these words my entire life, “nooks and crannies” would sound like slurs
Did you try turning your relationship off and then back on again?
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.