Go hard or stay average
You Might Also Like
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
[trying out my magic tricks for the first time]
*sawing person in half*
Funeral director: *wrestling me away from casket*
My husband would need to live to be 200 to finish all the things he said he “was GOING to do”
GOD: I’ve created donuts
ANGEL: ooh they’re yummy but why the hole?
GOD:
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: because they are holy
GOD: because they are holy
They say the camera adds 10 lbs.
Looks like fast food added the other 40.
Whole Foods announced that a Prius left their lights on in the parking lot and now I have the store all to myself.
Hear me out, what if Santa actually exist but we’re just all on the naughty list?
Officer – Do you know how fast you were going?
*Looks up from phone*
No idea
I want my house spotless but kicking my kids out seems wrong
[before sex]
ME: Did you notice I waxed?
WIFE: I wondered what happened to your eyebrows
TINDER SHOULD SHOW YOU WHAT AGE RANGE UR MATCHES ARE OPEN TO WHAT IF I MATCH WITH A GROWN MAN WHO HAS HIS PREFERENCES DOWN TO 18 HOLY SHIT NO BUENO
*unsubscribes from newsletter*
*receives email confirming I unsubscribed from newsletter*
*receives email confirming that I received confirmation that I unsubscribed from newsletter*
Hot mothers in your area want you to text them to let them know you got home ok.
Me: I cant hear you, talk INTO the phone
My wife [yelling into the soup can and string phone attached to my pillow fort]: IM LEAVING YOU
food is so much better than sex, cause its like same mouth action but guaranteed satisfaction
~Elena Gabrielle
Point blank tho, never met a turtle I didn’t like. Sea, snapping, painted, teenage mutant ninja…
If cooking blogs were tweets:
Here’s how to make really easy sugar cookies!
🧵 1/246
why would tinder want me to say this
Who’s drunk
*raises leg
Just overheard my 87-year-old Dad speaking to my pooch:
“You’re seven years old? You look REALLY good for seven!”
Kurt Cobain did not die for you to wear his t-shirt to an Imagine Dragons concert
since i quit vaping and drastically cut down alcohol consumption, my sweet tooth is out of control. i almost never ate dessert before and now im like ah yes the traditional 9am seven layer cake.
writer: I’m so good at beginnings but never can finish strong
writers wife: *under her breath* ain’t that the truth
*at family function..
*superglues jenga tower
So many pants.
So little yoga.
Me on my way to annoy my favorite person
him: you’re not like most women
me: is it because I’ll eat an entire pizza, the fries in your hand, and a small village on a first date?
I was searching for how to hit a deer and survive but now my history makes it look like I’m hunting deer with my car
– Shout!
-Me:
– Shout!
-Me:
-Let it all out!!!
-Me: *shouting and letting it all out*
-These are the things i can do without.
-Me: