20s: Rage Against The Machine
30s: Rage Against Literally Everything
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You, a basic, typical hacker: Steals credit cards and identities
Me, a diabolical hacker: Syncs your Twitter account to your phone contacts and unblocks your family’s accounts
[Batman at McDonald’s]
What’s your chicken sandwich called?
-A McChicken
And the rib?
-A McRib
[pulls out his batwallet] I like your style.
The rule should be if you can smell the cookout you’re invited to the cookout.
This is a whole mood;
LITTLE BO PEEP: I’ve lost my sheep! I can’t remember where to find them!
DOCTOR: Sounds like Lambnesia
Reasons my wife gets mad at me:
1. Something something something
1. Some other stuff
1. I don’t pay attention when she talks
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
Some of you take selfies from so close up, I’m beginning to wonder if you’re a T-Rex.
I’m gaining weight for my role as “‘Before’ picture”
“What would your friends say your biggest weakness is?”
“I have none.”
“I don’t believe that.”
“It’s true, I have no friends.”
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayVibe
professor x: what’s your power?
jk rowling: i can rewrite the past of fictional characters
gay professor x : interesting
No one sleeps with Gandalf because it takes him until first light on the fifth day to come.
I’ve heard that some people have kids who sleep through the night and I’d like to know if they use tranquilizers or chloroform
Finding lettuce in my bed can only mean one of two things…
1. I was sleep eating tacos again
2. A vegan broke in & was trying to kill me
*at reading of my will*
Executor: *opens envelope*
‘Ahem…’You selfish, bloodsucking little pricks…’’
I’m quitting my job to pursue my dream of quitting my job.
[ordering from the dollar menu]
me: hi i’ll have 7 dollars please
My 3yo just reminded ME to wash my hands after we got home so if anything good were to come out of this pandemic it’s that we’re raising a less gross genera- ope never mind he just ate a booger
Grandma just made me go across the street to pay the neighbor kid because she forgot to pay him to shovel her driveway….35 YEARS AGO. The man is now in his mid to late 40s.
I’m curious about the first person who saw an egg drop out of a chicken & said, “I’m going to eat that.”
[screaming from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] Can you turn up the radio I love this song
I had a professor who threw a big hissy fit about how he needs “detailed proof” of why you’re going to be absent only for him to get mad when I sent him pictures of some pads and Midol I bought and the receipt? Play stupid games win stupid prizes dude
aliens are gonna be super confused when they show up threatening to overthrow our leaders and we’re all stoked and offer to help.
@Ivsy01 Your tweets are so awesome, we had to make a page for you in our site!
A man has been jailed for forging banknotes.
He also got a big fine which he immediately paid in crisp $9 notes.
3-year-old: I want more milk.
Me: What’s the magic word?
3: *enraged falcon screech*
Close enough.
Kinda feel like this is just the razzle dazzle my resume needs.
My retirement plan is to have an abdomen that can stop a cannonball
Guy:Hey what are you doing?
Girl:unzipping it
Guy:why?
Girl:I want to see how big it is. ..
*Unzips tent and gets inside*
Girl:nice, nice..