It’s wild how I barely notice the flavor of a cucumber when I bite into one, but when I taste an “infused” water I’m like BY JOVE, A CUCUMBER’S BEEN HERE I’D BET MY LIFE ON IT.
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Girl are you the burning bush?
Cuz you’re hot. And there’s no conceivable reason you should be talking to me.
I was having a good weekend until my plans got cancelled.
Now I’m having a great weekend.
I’m not ever going back to a class reunion again, last time there were just a bunch of old people there.
Maybe Gotye was an actual goat that sold it’s soul for the chance to be a human with a hit song and now he is back to just being a goat
“I don’t know, sometimes I just wish there was a room you could sit in that made breathing harder.”
– inventor of the sauna
Way back when, I thought technology would look more like flying cars and less like me yelling “The laptop’s not a touch screen,” at my kids.
°pulls up to drive-thru°
[ME] ONE NUMBER 4 WITH A COKE
[FREIND] aren’t you on a diet
[ME] oh yeah..AND A BOOK ABOUT MANNERS FOR MY FRIEND
Deep thought: When turkey police draw chalk outlines around the body do they notice how much it looks like a human hand?
Wear green for St Patty’s Day! You don’t wanna get punched!
-You mean pinched
[flashback to the 6 people I punched earlier]
It’s pinched?
Expressing laughter as “tee-hee” is only acceptable in written form.
Everybody knows that.
every house is a dream house when you can’t afford one
*points to wrist* this is my Fitbit.
*points to rest of body* this is my fatbit.
*My wife being frustrated by my kids*
Wife: Can you just give me 2 seconds to myself?
8YO: 1, 2. Now can I have snack?
Parenting during the month of May has gotten so overwhelming that I’m trying to think of a minimally-invasive surgery I could schedule to get a few days of downtime
You think you’re your own worst critic? Just wait till you have kids
I used to sing my daughter to sleep at night, which is probably why her first word was “Stop.”
Someone wished me a Happy Independence Day and I told him this is America, and we say Merry Christmas here, buddy.
Quick! Does anyone know how I can get red wine off of my date’s white cat?!
CDC: your mask should cover your nose and mouth
Picasso: how
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: *is asleep
Netflix: why are you like this
Just before bed my 1yo ever so gently kissed her baby doll, softly placed it in the oven of her play kitchen, and closed the door. I’d say big sister practice is going pretty well.
Boy, there sure are a lot of lonely people on twitter, which is weird because we’re all so pleasant
I’m as nervous as a United Airlines standby passenger.
Just seconds before we make the jump to light speed the captain nears my console to check my calculations. I minimise solitaire just in time
When someone starts making fun of my air guitar skills I just whip out my finger pistols and it usually shuts them right up.
I am yelling
Those who run away from me are afraid that they might confess their love to me.
In hindsight, I made two key mistakes on this family vacation:
1) Going on vacation
2) Taking my family
Ask someone how they’re doing & they’ll say fine. Share with them a random health issue & wait for the 20 min dissertation on their ailment.
if I were a pediatrician I’d break the ice with new patients by having the receptionist call my phone 3 minutes into the appointment and saying “look, Mrs Johnson, I run a busy practice- for the last time NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”