I bought myself flowers at the store because I thought they were pretty.
Husband: Did I do something?
Me: No.
Husband: What’s the date?
Me: April 10th.
Husband: Is that an important date signifying anything?
Me: No.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Yes.
Husband, sweating: ok
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Meme Monday.
Beer before liquor, never sicker. Toothpaste before orange juice, dead.
“I’m hungry. Except for anything you made. There’s no way I’m eating that.”
– Kids
Coaxing one piece of costume jewelry at a time off my toddler as she sighs and weeps like a disgraced aristocrat pawning her jewels to save the family estate
*talking to a cool girl at a house party while pretending my right foot is not currently stuck in the dog’s water bowl*
Seems a lot like 2021 keeps asking, “What would 2020 do?”
Can someone wake me up when this nightmare is over?
*lies on floor, closes eyes tight*
(in customer service line at Walmart)
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.HER: He’s so kind.
ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.
people in the Bronze Age actually lived far more luxurious lives than our own. Archaeological evidence indicates that they had vases with octopuses on them. do you have that? didnt think so
WTF
I question the people that blow their nose in a tissue and then look to see what comes out.
Were they really expecting gold or something?
Always have a fake name at the ready so you don’t tell the cops something stupid, like “Andrew Granola.”
Me, walking around the limbo bar: Imbeciles
By age 30 you should have a raccoon butler, a pet penguin called Terry, a 10 year old bully and a pair of Hulk hands used exclusively for speed dating.
When your band gets bumped off the set list by an acapella group you’ve been a choired
Roses are red,
Bumble bees buzz,
This rhyme doesn’t rhyme,
No, wait, yes it does.
Wanna buy something but can’t find it online?
Just text someone about it! Instagram will show you ads the next minute.
Problem solved.
Every year, my childless (by choice) brother tries to find the most annoying toy on the planet to send to my kids for Christmas. So this year for his gift, I’m sending the kids for a visit and to keep them entertained, I’m sending all the toys, too.
I’m supposed to be Gen-X but I feel like Gen-FML is more fitting.
I would like to propose Dual-McDonald’s, one side is for people who know what they want because we all have the same order as adults for life and one for people who eat there 3 times a week but pretend they’ve never seen the menu before.
*lowers head
*breaks thru 5 tackles
*hurdles lineman
*runs 100 yards
*hamstrung at goal line
*dragged back to line of scrimmage-my wedding
Wouldn’t that be a cool twist if World War 3 turned out to be a U.S.-Russia thing after all? “So retro!”, you’d think as you were vaporized.
[boxing match]
ANNOUNCER: …and the challenger weighing 8lbs 7oz, Billy “The Baby” Sanchez
CHAMP: That’s a real baby
TRAINER: You got this
if you compliment a dude’s shirt, you better mean it, because that’s the only shirt he’ll wear out for the next five years.
It’s adorable when my mom says “It’s your mom” on my voicemail like I’ve never heard her voice before.
Why are personal grooming products such popular holiday gifts? How gross is everyone the rest of the time?
When the instructions say so easy a child could do it, I assume you mean one of those genius 12-year-olds who double major at MIT.
Scientist: we’re approaching a critical mass
Assistant: should we be wearing protection from the blast?
Mass: you look fat in that lab coat and no one likes you
Scientist: too late
Stood up by two different men, two days in a row… what’s a girl gotta do to get a quote on a new roof these days.