Do you know who REALLY gets irony?
Skydiving schools.
Cuz you gotta drop out to graduate!
*releases mic to float down on tiny parachute*
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Oh, the other kind of staff meeting.
*Gets dressed.
If empaths don’t exist then explain how we know so much. For instance I can tell right now that you’re frustrated with me and you think I’m stupid
Ever been in the middle of writing a great tweet and think, did I just run someone over?
*puts tiny glases on my pet owl*
*puts tiny lab coat on my pet owl*
*puts tiny stethoscope on my pet owl*
ha ha doctor who
When I was a child I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child but when I became a man I put away none of those things
the only time I can imagine clicking on a Facebook story is maybe if I got attacked by a bird while trying to do something else
[plane]
“Is there a doctor on board?”
Im a doctor
“Okay quick the passenger is having a heart att-
Of fine arts
“What?”
Doctor of Fine Arts
Trying to remember where I hid all of my kids’ gifts will be the real Christmas miracle.
Laundry to do list;
□ whites
□ towels
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ darks
Michelle Obama should have dropped the mic and moonwalked out.
police: im sorry to both of you. your son set the school on fire.
parents: arson?
police: yes, your son.
[Bat symbol lights up Gotham’s sky]
“Gordon needs me, the city needs me.”
[Robin waving flashlight around]
“Oh wow look they need me too.”
I’m old enough to be your uncle…your sexy uncle
Trump is blaming Sanders supporters for the violence at his rally because you can’t truly be Hitler until you blame a Jew for your problems.
For all the bad things that happened this year I sure did get fat.
*snowing outside*
HIM: I should salt the front walk
ME, nodding: Ooh, to enhance the umami flavor
*calls mom*
“Ma I made 3 friends on twitter today”
*long pause*
“Mom?”
*mom stares at 3 fake twitter accounts she made, fights tears*
“Mom?”
I get it, mayonnaise. I am also disgusting yet liked by many.
[TRYING TO IMPRESS NEW GIRLFRIEND]
‘Oh yeah, I love to cook!’
*removes salad from the microwave
If someone walks in on you hatching your evil plan, just tell them you were rubbing in some hand moisturizer.
I don’t know a single person who is age 40 who was born in 2000.
I’m not drunk enough for this
*gets drunk
I’m too drunk for this
Give a man a fish. Sure, why not? Go around giving strangers weird fish gifts. Who cares
Living in Switzerland wouldn’t be so bad. The flag is a plus.
*Me coming home with a Bloodied nose*
Wife: OMG, Are you OK?
Me: I’m fine, You should see the other Guy!
Wife: I agree, He’s taller and better looking.
Me: Wait, What??
Elderly woman at bus stop just said my son was “beautiful.” UM STEP OFF PERVERT UR LIKE 40x HIS AGE cc: @LAPD
My sensitive skin moisturizer is sulking again
Day 3 in the desert: I have somehow gained the respect of some birds as they are circling above me in some sort of protective formation
I withdraw my argument. I didn’t realise you had a meme to back you up.
They should make fortune cookies with more obtainable fortunes:
You will vacuum the living room.
You will run into the coffee table.