Does a hot bath tighten the virginia?
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“Owen, you must hide this baby, at all costs, from Anakin Skywalker.”
“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”
“Seems fine.”
“You couldn’t handle me at my worst”
OMG, you mean this isn’t it.
And that’s how the fight started.
Me: These are my children, Brian & Susan.
Her: What?!? Children? Since when?
Me: Since I’m getting audited today.
BREAKING
Scientists warn that Earth could run out of conspiracy theories by 2025 if they keep coming true at the current rate
My husband proposed two days after Valentine’s day so that every year he could get me discounted flowers and chocolates on the anniversary instead of the holiday
you can skip the karate classes and just buy a black belt. no one will care.
My beach vacation Google searches
Marriage tip: If your wife says “I didn’t do it” what she means is “You did it”. Accept it and don’t worry that you don’t remember doing it.
my psychiatrist told me i seem like i do improv and i literally don’t even know how to take that
Just Googled my symptoms. Turns out I’m alive
Every day Stephen King and I both:
1. Get up
2. Terrify People
3. Tweet
Getting kidnapped and taken to a private island where I’m hunted for sport by a wealthy psychopath wouldn’t even crack the top 3 worst relationships I’ve been a part of.
Today was amazing. I actually had meaningful conversations with my teenagers. We discussed world events, we made eye contact, we truly communicated. I felt so blessed. Like a really good parent.
Then I heard one of them ask, “Is Instagram back up yet?”
Me: Yay! No more periods!
Menopause: Wait, here’s a beard.
If we are eating peas and one falls in the floor my husband can’t wait to say someone “pead on the floor”
What do you want to be when you grow up?
other kids: firefighter, doctor, scientist…
my 9yo: I’m gonna sell my Pokémon cards on the streets of New York.
6 year old was FaceTiming a friend today and between the giggling and jumping around she went for a poop and stayed on the call throughout. And if I’m honest, out of my wife’s many talents I didn’t expect her to pass that one down
Me: Im still mad at you for last night
Hub: Well Today is the 1st. Which means that happened last month. Which means youre being ridiculous
9*picking his nose*
wife:Get your finger out of your nose!
me [alone in the bedroom] *takes finger out of nose* *whispers* How did she know?
Was just talking with a friend who refuses to give her husband a blow job because it’s “dirty”.
Told her not to worry, someone else will.
The opposite of self-deprecating humor is accounting.
Instead of making jokes at your own expense, you makes jokes about other people’s expenses.
#AccountingDay #RubbishJokes
It’s so annoying when you love someone and want to spend the rest of your life with them and they don’t accept your friend request.
So afraid of commitment I only play “Words With Acquaintances”.
you play enough angry birds and you realize: the angry bird is you.
I hate it when I go to hide out from my kids in the walk-in closet & my husband is already in there hiding out from me.
This is one heck of a thing to drop on me at 3:30 AM, Google.
t-shirt: Lay flat to dry
me: I can’t do laundry lying down
Pandas are proof that you can get fat from just eating salad.
We arrived at our holiday cottage which is near several other holiday cottages and within 5 minutes a lady from another cottage came to say hi and chatted for a while and now we have to leave the holiday cottage and stay in the woods where no other people will ever find us
If you ask him what he admires most about a woman and he says brains, you’ve got yourself a zombie.