While not illegal, it is generally frowned upon to follow behind someone and play your travel harmonica synced to their footsteps.
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the only thing i know about cooking is you gotta terrorize the meat
OKAY BUT WHY DID I NOT KNOW THERE WERE MORE PICS OF BIG CAT WITH PICKLE
BOSS: how was your weekend?
ME: oh man i got so high
BOSS: it’s against company policy-
ME: I took a ride in a hot air balloon
BOSS: oh, haha well then-
ME: then the edibles kicked in
2015: cake by the ocean
2020: the ocean is cake
I love the compliments my boss gives like “wow you’re on time today” and “great job ignoring dress code again”.
Everytime I see my see my neighbors having sex in their hot tub, I think to myself “I can’t believe I’m recording this”
If anyone needs some trash burned, I have an oil drum and an unsettling expression that might be a smile.
What do you call an alligator thats wearing a vest?
An investigator.
Honey Boo Boo evolves into Sugar Scab! Pokemon is back baby!
I just switched my phone to airplane mode and a small child appeared and started kicking me in the back.
If a coworker asks to borrow your pen – sniff it and say, “I think this one is safe” and see if they’ll take it from your hand.
LOL
My mom’s favorite part of Mother’s Day is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.
u are suposed to knock on watermelons befor u eat them to make sure that u are not eatimg anybodys home
Bears spend a bunch of time getting fat, sleep for a few months and then wake up skinny. Being a human is terrible.
everybody’s gangsta until seaweed touches their leg
As a child I was bitten by a regular, mildly venomous spider, and I’ve turned into a regular, mildly venomous person. The system works.
me: wow, i wish i had a life as simple as a dog. they never do anything except sit there and nap all day and they’re so content.
also me: *is on the third day in a row of watching netflix on the couch for 9 hours straight*
My grandad used to swear by refrigerators. And televisions. In fact, he was probably the most foul-mouthed member of staff Comet ever had.
Me: [struggling with 4 kids at grocery store]
Lady: you have your hands full
Me: the little one is great with cats
Lady: what?
Me: you can take one
Lady: *nervous laugh*
Me: they love old people
Lady: *walking away*
Me: take one, please!
don’t let your artist friends wander off by themselves. you never know what they’ll agree to
Exercised.
Burned 94 calories.
Exercise made me hungry.
Ate 940 calories.
Got kicked out of my motorcycle gang again for trying to sell essential oils
3yo wipes off the air kisses that I blow to her from across the room, which is some next level shade.
Wife: [on phone] I just got home where are you guys?
Me: the hospital.
Wife: what happened?
Me: our son swallowed a watermelon seed.
Wife: so? it’s not like it’s gonna grow a watermelon in his tummy lol.
Me:
Wife:
Me: we’ll be home in 10 minutes.
My work here is done
How do I nicely tell my dog he’s gained 15 pounds during Covid?
*hiding recipes behind back* man I really misunderstood this swap party
[first day as a torturer]
Me: *throws stack of bills on the table* now call your doctors and the insurance company back and forth until you figure out what you need to pay.
Captive: *crying* I’m ready to talk.