burglar: [sits up in bed] did you hear that
wife: [sits up] oh my god
husband: [sits up] why are you in our bed
burglar’s wife: [walks in] you son of a bitch
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Interviewer: why do u want to work here
me: revenge
[at a bar]
CUTE GIRL: *grabs my arm* hey there
ME: *mouth full of food* did you know a lobster on a kabob is called a kablobster
i just realized my “for you” feed is actually as enjoyable a scroll as my “following” feed and i’ve never been more devastated in my life
The 4 stages after getting dumped…
1) Waiting cuz u thinks it’s temporary.
2) Throwing in the towel.
3) Getting a cat.
4) Revenge.
[crime scene]
*detective snaps pics of murder victim*
Corpse: delete it
Crazy how holidays change as you get older. Like almost nobody wants to unwrap teeth for Christmas anymore
Sending an insult with a typo is like laughing at someone for tripping and falling and then tripping and falling right front of them.
It’s almost like someone got the entire past year wet and fed it after midnight.
Spongebob would be more realistic if he had an abrasive side.
Me: oh hey cute kid, she looks just like you!
Her:
Her: I am the nanny
[first day as a doctor]
me: we need to amputate your son’s leg
mother: i want a second opinion!
me: the star wars prequels were pretty good actually
mother: no, another doctor
another doctor: attack of the clones is my favourite
God: you’re a capybara.
Capybara: yay!
God: you’re the largest rodent.
Capybara: double yay!
God: also you live in South America.
Capybara: so cool!
God: wow you’re in a great mood!
Capybara: just living my personal motto!
God: which is?
Capybara: don’t worry be Capy : )
I think we should elect Bernie. When Isis hears a Jew is president they will all have heart attacks and die.
Ooo! The morning weather girl…
Come on baby, give daddy the five day forecast.
Me: *putting on docuseries about the “Yorkshire Ripper”*
Husband: isn’t that the guy who made weird pudding out of people?
me: if i follow them, will i see their tweets?
Twitter: absolu-
Twitter algorithm: no.
You like bad boys? Not to brag but I’m bad at everything.
-me flirting
One time getting ready to go out to eat my dad told me not to wear jeans with any holes in them and I immediately responded by asking how I was going to put my feet in them and he seriously had a tear build up in one eye.
Reporter: Tell me about him
Neighbor: He was so nice, sweet, friendly, funny
R: Do you think he killed those people?
N: Oh, yeah absolutely.
“Mounting debt” sounds way sexier than it is.
I’m evidently not allowed to call our impatient billionaire customer “Captain Busypants”
8:00AM *starts peeling an egg*
4:00PM *finishes peeling an egg*
[robber pulls gun]
ME: take my money but please don’t hurt me i’m an only child
MY DAD: [yelling from the car] he’s lying he has a brother
Why don’t they just call a mirror ‘The Self Checkout’?
Nancy Drew and the mystery of is this water or pee
– book #1 of parent series
[the inventor of corn chips]
What if knives were delicious?
I just lifted a couch to retrieve a Skittle that fell underneath it, so I get you Moms that lift cars to rescue children, I get you.
Friend: I’m about to appear in court.
Me: Best of luck! Kill it!!
Friend:…not exactly the best phrase to use in a medical negligence case.
I’m no political expert, but as far as I can tell the Republican strategy seems to be:
“oh you think BUSH was terrible?”