Promises so empty, you thought it was your bank account
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If a guy says he’ll take you to pound town, ask for details about the puppies. I’m not taking that trip unless there’re puppies.
I created you as mosquito food.
Obviously, it would be hugely childish & wrong to chuckle at Linus & Florian, the backbone of Germany’s hockey team.
Why do we say “say it don’t spray it” and not “stop talking spit”?
[screaming into the void]
MARCO
shark tooth fairy: *throwing fins up in the air* I quit
I’m not afraid of the Bermuda triangle or any triangle really. Even played at its most aggressive it’s just not a threatening instrument.
Pretty sure my last words will be something along the lines of, “just cut the moldy part off; I’m not wasting good cheese!”
I saw a guy with antlers on his car, so I shot it.
It’s so hot at work I need to wear as little clothes as possible without being sent to HR
[INTERVIEW]
HR: What are your strengths?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
HR: Wow-Weaknesses?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
SON: Can I have a cookie?
ME: Ask nicer.
SON: May I please have a cookie?
ME: Like a Canadian.
SON: So sorry, could I please trouble you for one of your delicious cookies, good sir, eh? It’s okay if you say no. There’s probably a more deserving child.
ME: *hands over cookie*
Her: I’m just a vintage soul
Me: and a vintage face..That’s how the fight started
Why do they call it the good book and not the almighty wrighty?
Christian: You need Jesus in your life
Me: But I can’t find him
Jesus: *Hiding in a cave, giggling*
dogs are toddlers
cats are teenagers
I used to eat a lot of Belgian chocolate, but I gave it up for Lindt.
A shoemaker called yesterday and yelled at me because I hadn’t picked up the boots he repaired. It’s been one week. He said they’ve been there since October. (They haven’t.) I said, “WHY ARE YOU YELLING AT ME?” He said he yelled at all his customers.
At first I was decayed, I was putrefied,
Kept thinking I could never live without formaldehyde…
one of my bosses years ago was really into darts and one day she was describing what she liked about the shaft of her favorite brand of darts, monster. then she wanted to show me and I watched, helplessly, as she typed “monster shaft” into the google search bar
After all these years I still know how to make my husband moan loudly, I just ask him to do a chore around the house.
And the award for Best Actress goes to…*opens envelope*….my 4 year old daughter for her overly-dramatic scene in “Bath Time”.
Don’t you love followers that don’t acknowledge your existence.
Its so cute. Its like I have tiny marriages all over the world.
I’m really good at acting like I’m sorry the elevator door is closing and you missed it.
Holy crap! This coin looks old as hell!
*checks the date*
It’s 15 years younger than me.
To gangs that carve their names into public toilet seats:
A) Why?
B) Haha, you touched a public toilet seat.
You, idiot magician: I’ve sawed a lady in half!
Me, brilliant English teacher: you’ve SEEN a lady in half
watching silence of the lambs, when i saw it as a teenager it was obviously a film about a cannibal killer guy but watching it again now it’s about a woman being leered at by creepy guys from all angles except the psycho killer guy who is genuinely interested in her as a person
If my dad were still alive today I’m sure he’d be really pissed off over that whole cremation thing.
art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a face
picasso: *running in* sorry, i’m late. what did i miss?