In the United States, plastic flamingos outnumber the real ones.
Another case where fake ones have a leg up.
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[Me, a famous art thief]
Art Garfunkel: Please put me down
It’s when I saw the children playing with their toys completely wrong that I knew I had to step in
“No, YOU’VE had too much to drink!”
~Me, to this bar stool
Whoever taught my five-year-old daughter how to “air quote,” I need to speak with you privately.
[1983]
FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
[just now]
ME: OH SHIT BILLY
Some dude just called me an idiot for not agreeing with him. What he doesn’t know is I’ve been calling myself that since we started talking.
FDA has lowered the buying age for Plan B to 15. If you’re younger than that, you’re not responsible enough so shut up and have your baby.
Schrödinger’s Mom: You have to feed the cat
Schrödinger: Or do I?
Be warned….if you fly Spirit, everything is an upgrade fee.
Choose your seat? $10 fee
Check a bag? $30 fee
Want a pilot? $50 fee
Who has two thumbs and refused to read the instruction manual for his electric carving knife? Not my Uncle Joel, that’s for sure.
If my wife calls me passive-aggressive one more time I swear to God I’m going to run the dishwasher half-empty again
companies sending a rejection email after i apply for yet another role with them
yeah i can totally shred on the guitar do you want romaine lettuce or cheese
guy: what should we call our ritual for contacting the dead
shawn: a shawnce
sean: I have a better idea
anyone know how to get an air guitar out of a vacuum?
Pretending you’re dead to avoid conversation in the hospital is the worst way to learn how a defibrillator works.
Good Cop: We want to help you. Just tell us who was with you on the night of August the 15th.
Bae Cop: My parents aren’t home. Come over.
Darth Vader- Dark Lord
Ranger- park lord
Neighbor’s dog- bark lord
Marty Byrde- Ozark lord
Noah- ark lord
Twitter celebrity- checkmark lord
DEA chief- narc lord
Brandon- Stark lord
Sarah Silverman- snark lord
Mikhail Gorbachev- birthmark lord
My only real argument for having multiple children is that the older one will eventually be able to help the younger one with Common Core math.
“WELL MAYBE IF YOU DIDN’T CALL THEM THROW PILLOWS!”
*I yell as I’m being escorted out of Bed Bath & Beyond…
Divorce Attorney: I can’t just write “irreconcilable differences” on the papers, can you be more specific?
Wife: Well latel-
Guy Who Brews His Own Beer: This situation reminds me of an excellent stout I mad-
Attorney: Ok, got it
noah’s wife: so, how’s your little project going?
noah: little project? {he sighs, grabs his plate & gets up from the table} i’m going to eat dinner in my room
Doc: have you been displaying any symptoms of vampirism?
Me: I’ve been..
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: Coffin.
Doc: get out
*rocks out at concert*
*holds up lighter*
*millennials scream*
*mass chaos, crying*
*I’m tackled*
*one old guy high-fives me as I go down*
The worst thing about working from home is when you get on a customer call, the Amazon driver shows up, and you have a dog.
[goes to museum of fine art]
“Just how fine can this art be, anyway”
[sees a vase in a thong]
“oh damn”
Maybe you owe the rhythm some money and that’s why it’s trying to get you.
WE DON’T KNOW!
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
Orangutan coworkers be like “What did you have for lunch? I had two oranges, one apple, one coconut, two mangos, three limes, ten lemons, one papaya, a guava, fifty five grapes, and ten kiwis”
Ariel was a minor and couldn’t sign a legally binding contract. You’d think the king of the ocean’s lawyers could get that shit thrown out.