Wife: I’m seeing someone behind your back.
Me: *frightened* Are… are they there now?
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Woke up this morning with a pillow over my face, hearing someone muttering “…it would be so easy…”
“I tell you, this car runs like a dream!” I change gears and the gearstick turns into a swan. I turn on the wipers & it rains on the inside.
This dude wants $4800 to remove a raccoon from my attic. So our family has a pet raccoon now, obviously. Say hello to Charlotte.
*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
“You get 2 wishes.”
I wish I got 3 wishes.
“Your wish is granted.”
Nice, nice.
“You have 2 left.”
I want to rub myself all over you like a dog rolling in a dead raccoon.
During a meditation session
Sorry, my watch told me to stand up.
My 6yo announced, “All I want is a mansion and a yacht. That’s not much. Just two things.”
JUST. TWO. THINGS.
German be like, __________ is the word for a cat that is chewing on a flower in a pot that was watered last Tuesday.
Woke up super stiff all over and when I tried to look down, my neck had morning woodn’t.
Yep.
Why don’t ants get sick?
Because they have antybodies
Am I winning or losing at parenting if my 3yo says, “ooohhh chicken nuggets!” as I pull up to the security booth at a gated community?
Never go to target in a red shirt. I was holding my kid and someone asked for help. Like yea just let me finish stocking the toddlers first.
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
5: Grandma told me a secret.
Me: Grandma knows you aren’t supposed to keep secrets from Mommy.
5: Ok, I’ll tell you. She said you make the worst food ever.
Me: I have a few secrets to tell you about Grandma.
I have my own version of Whole Foods, where I eat the Whole Pizza, Whole Box of Donuts, Whole Bag of Chips…
Schools need to start doing pictures on the first day. It’s the only day I remember to try to make my kids look presentable.
I spent $500 on that Harvard application, damn right I framed the rejection letter.
If you don’t want your kids to leave the bathroom light on all the time don’t ask them to wash their hands so much duh.
Just know that somebody out there is thinking of you, and you should really lock your doors.
A Starbucks was robbed at gunpoint this afternoon. The culprits are still at venti.
Meatloaf wouldn’t have looked so winded if he’d just named the one thing he won’t do, instead of listing everything he would.
Me: Don’t do anything special for my birthday.
*People do special things for my birthday*
Me: Oh thank God.
How to be happier:
1. Exercise
2. Lift weight3. When you’ve become stronger due to those exercises, smack the person who made you unhappy.
Hi, childless people. I just meticulously peeled the skin off a pickle. Cuz the pickle was “bumpy.”
Enjoy your day. Not de-bumping pickles.
I let that asshole into traffic and he can’t even oh look he’s waving we’re friends now.
Why hunt for vampires when you can just open a tuxedo shop and have them come to you? Work smarter, not harder.
dream jobs:
• soup reviewer
• seer who prophesies your doom
• old lady who solves crimes in a little english village
• old lady who COMMITS crimes in a little english village
Hubs: You wouldn’t believe the day I had at work!
Me: (wiping my kid’s piss off the floor and carpet for the 4,000th time today)
Hubs: Never mind
Me: Smart move
I was living in the moment until I was evicted.