“Londoners need to be more afraid”
Nah, we’re British, we only panic about a light snow or finding out we’re out of milk.
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ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, Ma’am.
WIFE: Did you take care of that thing I asked you to do?
ME: No.
WIFE: I’ve asked you at least 10 times.
ME: I’ll get it done this afternoon.
WIFE: You better.
ME (terrified): [has no idea what she asked me to do.]
Me, a 40-year-old woman: I really hope I get an A on my daughter’s second grade school project
I would enjoy running errands much more if there were beds I could nap in strewn about
I’ve got so much respect for Jack White calling his song “seven nation army”, mentioning the seven nation army in the first line and then never saying another thing about them
2-year-old: The dog tastes like dirt.
Me: Don’t lick the dog.
2: He licked me first.
My imaginary friend says you need a therapist.
My wife asked me if I was going to take a shower before we go to some friend’s house for the evening like she didn’t see me get in the pool.
What, tough guy? Come try taking that picture over here, why don’t ya?
kidnapper: we have your son
dad: oh my god let me talk to him
kidnapper: very well
dad: listen son money doesn’t grow on trees
I was in Tesco today & this bloody weirdo was following me around
Eight out of ten married people agree that on your wedding day it’s bad luck to say “i Do.”
I’m 45 yrs old. I have never turned on a flashlight without making the lightsaber noise
The bath is too wet
– reason 101 my toddler is tantruming
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
synchronized noseblowing
*first date*
Yep. I like all the things.*fourth date*
And that, Sandra, is why I would not hesitate to kick a pigeon.
Honk if you are flying south for the winter in a V formation.
17 year old me: *catches Bret Michaels’ sweaty bandana and stuffs it in my mouth*
Todays me: *carries hand sanitizer because of door knobs*
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: What is it that you are both most fearful of?
WIFE: I just…[sobbing]…don’t want the kids to suffer
ME: Eels
Woman 1: you sure the left half is fine?
Woman 2: I honestly have no preference, really
Woman 1: cool ♥️ I’ll take the right, please
King Solomon: *sweating*
Can’t. Typing a password into a tv.
I used to hate the “Kids on Board” stickers for cars. I now understand they are warning us they will be driving erratically because…you know…KIDS ON BOARD!
I left Facebook because of the arguments about politics. That and seeing relatives I can’t stand. It was like having a family Christmas dinner every day.
I bet Morgan Freeman’s book reports were epic.
When you put “This page intentionally left blank” in a report, the page is no longer blank. Thank you for coming to my Pedantic Ted Talk.
Hi, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve arrived just in time to make everything worse
You knock on the melon to test freshness but something knocks back
The fortune teller flips over the tarot card and looks confused.
You lean forward to sneak a glance. “Is— Is that a flaming dumpster?” you ask nervously.