Pro-tip for you non-anxious folks out there, if you’re gonna shoot someone a “Hey can we talk” message, for the love of God include what you want to talk about
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i talk a lot of shit for someone thats only 80% sure minions arent real
Honestly the Bible is pretty good for God’s first book
i’m so old i’m almost back in style
My circadian rhythm is a cat lost in a corn maze.
not to brag but I can almost always tell when it’s a car with antlers instead of an actual reindeer.
Won “Typo of the Moth” again at work.
Did you know that actors in black & white movies often put their lives in danger during driving scenes, as they weren’t able to tell if the traffic light was green or red.
Ok so my grandmother is going on holiday on Friday, wants me to water her plants while she’s away & should never use emojis.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that does karate
[first day as car salesman]
Customer: Cargo space?
Me: Car no do that. Car no fly.
Manager: Can I see you in my office?
Me: Sometimes I cannot think of anything to say.
She: And yet you don’t shut up.
Toddlers and Tiaras: Fat, sexually frustrated soccer moms invest their husband’s money in ruining their daughter’s lives.
I forgot to pay off my exorcism loan, and now I’m being repossessed.
If your idea of an “Epic” deal is $5 off then we may have different interpretations of that word, Pottery Barn.
My dog understands four words: his name, food, outside and Antidisestablishmentarianism.
JOB INTERVIEWER: Talk about a time when a big project of yours didn’t work out as you hoped
ME: Well I got two English degrees
My wife didn’t tell me I was on speakerphone and now her coworker smelly Kelly knows we call her smelly Kelly.
If aliens come I hope they bring us a new animal to eat. I’ve about had it with beef and chicken.
Google maps: in 2,000 feet, turn left
Me: I have no idea how far that is
Google: in 8 furlongs…
Me: no
Google: in 1.6 billion picometers…
Me: ugh
Drink like a fish and you’ll never feel like a fish out of water socially. You might look like one but you’ll never feel like one…
My Millennial gets her Masters in December and of course I’m proud but she called me last week to say our toaster broke and long story short, she plugged the wrong appliance in.
People are like “I’m gonna ugly cry” and I’m like “with that face, no doubt”
Lust is not real love and Domino’s is not real pizza but both are fine when you’re drunk.
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[I just learned that different colors of the heart emoji mean different things]
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me: [wheezing, checks fitbit]
fitbit: you’re lying on the floor eating a burrito, wtf do u want from me
A lot of parenting involves doing really nice things for your kids, and your kids making you regret that decision instantly.
Me: I had a meeting with your teachers. They had a lot of good things to say about you, including that you’re super, super smart.
6-year-old: Wait, wait, go back. How many supers?
If I were a Greek philosopher, my name would be Mediocrites.
Pizza is a good argument against nihilism.
“delete your account” and what, leave my children NOTHING