I can tell people are judgmental just by looking at them.
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me: can i get a big mac
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: sorry can i get a big mac, your majesty
“Babe I wanna ask you something”
*gets down on one knee*
“When The Little Mermaid became human, how’d she know to use a toilet?”
*ties shoe*
We’re gathered here today to mourn the loss of Derek. His last words were “Watch me try and keep my eyes open while sneezing!”
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
It’s so cute when my kids grew up and moved out
[Traffic stop]
Cop: I’m gonna need to see your ID.
George Washington: *hands him a one dollar bill*
Cop: Bribery huh!? Ok, outta the car!
Learn to ask more specific questions. It’s not “How do I look?” It’s “Do I look good enough people are surprised I married you?”
Eric Clapton *fumbling with a gun*
Sheriff: I’ve a bad feeling about this
Deputy: I’m surprisingly calm
me: so your first name is “shaw-un” then why is your last name “be-een”?
sean bean: you want my autograph or not?
me: I do, shawn bawn.
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
Call Me crazy, but the ideal number of times a Pope should have once been a member of the Nazi Youth is zero.
Them: Mr. Scholl-
Dr. Scholl: EXCUSE ME I DIDN’T GO TO 6 YEARS OF FOOT SCHOOL TO NOT BE CALLED DOCTOR
Them: Sorry, DOCTOR Scholl, can you please put your pants back on, this is an Arby’s
*slowly walking*
*sees kid out of corner of my eye*
Me: *walks faster*
Kid: *walks faster*
Me: *running at the swings, screaming*
MIIIIIINE!
Question. How much fire is too much fire for your house to be on.
Just spilled water on my laptop so now I’m hanging it out on the clothesline.
Dear people filming disasters : You need to zoom out before running for your lives.
Nobody likes blurry footage, you selfish animals.
Me: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender!
Date: Haha because you say something and he says it back to you
Me: He’s murdered 7 people
My new favourite people are the Americans who complain about the air quality while chuffing on vapes all day.
ME [first time on-air as a weather man]: don’t go outside unless you want your hair to look like you just shot off the fence at Jurassic Park
Area rug? Forget about it. Give me a perimeter rug instead. Just one strand around the whole room.
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
How about a meat that is also a dental floss? – Pitch for prosciutto
me: where have you been? it’s 5am!
wife: I’m having an affair
me: omg who is he? [excited] tell me eeeeverything!
Sir, those are my emotional support chrome tabs
Job interview:
“what would you say is your biggest achievement is to date”“I once wore a hat to bed and it was still on in the morning”
Can I watch The Meg if I haven’t Seen The Peter, The Lois, The Chris, The Stewie or The Brian yet?
nothing saves money like being antisocial
I had a long list of important things that I had to get done today. I lucked out, I can’t find it. Anyone free for lunch?
If I was on the Titanic I would have told the captain “Do not hit that iceberg,” saving millions in the process
[first date]
{don’t let him know you’re a psychic}
{don’t let her know you’re a psychic}
{we’re both psychic?}
{yeah}
{cool let’s bang}
{k}