me: these edibles aren’t doing anything
lamp: just give it a little time
You Might Also Like
LOOOOOOL
Me: *lights gorgeous smelling candle*
Him: *puts bacon in the oven*
Me: You win
Bootstraps
13 year old me: Mom says to always respect my elders.
33 year old me: You’re out of your damn mind if you think I’m taking orders from you, Aunt Janice, you Hufflepuff piece of shit.
Um, my eyes are up here.
-giraffes
Once upon a time (today) I had to help with pre school homework
Me: -holds up yellow
Me: What color is this?
4: McDonalds
The end
I’m tired of “working hard” and “trying my best.” I want to be a raccoon who just found a whole container of chow mein in a trash can
today my wife said “guess who i saw in costco today?” then made me guess for like 10 min and when i didnt guess it was like “remember that super tan lady we saw walking down the street last week..” thats who she thought i might guess. a lady we dont even know that we saw one time
I was gonna do a tweet about Albert Einstein’s IQ but I couldn’t get it under 140.
Cop: Ma’am, I pulled you over today because you were going 45 in a 35 mile zone.
Me: I’ve been driving 45 on this road for ten years and I’ve never gotten a ticket.
(Silence) You’re going to give me a ticket, aren’t you?
Cop: I kinda think I have to now.
Me: You touched my heart.
Cardiologist: You’re not supposed to be awake, but thanks. LOL
Every night at I say baby do you want to snuggle and watch tiktok
He hands me the remote and goes to bed
And that’s how it’s done
People who say “adorbs” make me miserbs
With every wisdom tooth lost, your mouth gets a little stupider.
Asked my wife to pick up something from Home Depot and she’s texted me 47 questions and sent 300 pictures of the wrong item captioned “this?” so now I understand why she doesn’t let me go grocery shopping by myself.
When I’m grabbing something off the shelf at the supermarket, I like to momentarily remove the first item and take the one behind it so I’m not buying the one that 50 other people have touched, a trick that no one but me has ever figured out
Not an. Officer sitting next to me …. Now I can’t drink my… er.. water
Science is tricky. Keeps you on your toes.
Mineralogy? Study of minerals.
Oceanology? Study of oceans.
Meteorology? NOT ABOUT METEORS.
interviewer: why’d u quit ur last job
me: the company moved
interviewer: where to
me: they didn’t tell me
A small part of me is filled with self-loathing for how much pizza I can eat in one sitting. The rest of me is filled with pizza.
Me: I love it when I’m on top of his…
Friend: Sophie! There are kids here!
Me: Timeline. I was going to say timeline.
Listen employers if I could see where I’d be in five years I’d be joining the X-Men not applying for your shitty job.
I accidentally left an open bag of birdseed on the porch, and word spread that this is the full-size Halloween candy bar house of the squirrel community.
Carrot cake is both my favorite carrot and my least favorite cake.
I just want to know enough sign language to convince people to stop talking to me
Interviewer:
“This is a very impressive résumé.”Me:
“This is a creative writing job I’m applying for, no?”
One of the downfalls of sleeping with a fan and then the power going out is your kid asking what that weird noise is and it’s just you breathing normally.
Just because it’s called a “fireplace” doesn’t mean it’s the only place I can start a fire