Describing the weird dream I had over the Walmart intercom until the police are called
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Angel: hey God the humans are doing another sacrifice for you
God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it
hate it when I go “whatever, this is the next persons problem” and the next person is me.
skydiving instructor: you need to pay attention to what i say
me, naked, eating a corn dog as i jump out of the plane: haha, okay, sky nerd
Robin Hood [hands over stolen fortune]: here you are, my poor friend
Friend: wow thanks. I’m rich!
Robin [narrows eyes]: you’re what
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up
I’ve had a lot more interest from women since I’ve been forced to wear a mask and I don’t know how to feel about that.
I get into bed.
Husband is already asleep.
I must build a pillow fort between us to keep his hot breath off of my face.
Marriage is fun.
As I walk through the valley of the Shadow of Death, I remind myself that you can’t always trust Google Maps.
My dog just came downstairs and made me go back to bed like he’s in charge of me or something.
Anyway, I’m back in bed now if anybody needs me
Him: What the hell is a palindrome?
Me: No, it’s not
Ladies, if you love zoos and meet a nice man who’s in charge of one, he’s a keeper.
Banished to the “quiet room” in church because the toddler shushed the pastor. Our family history of skepticism remains strong.
Old Hollywood bloopers are a thing of beauty.
Saw my wife watching the Food Network while I was making dinner, so I was like, “You can just watch me in the kitchen, no commercials!”
Me: you look tired. Would you like to take a little nap?
4: I wasn’t yawning. I was doing my yawning exercises.
Them: hello! we’ve been trying to reach you about your extended warranty
Me: cool – first let me tell you about my podcast!
(Line goes dead)
WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs
I have been lowering the tone for so long now that I am effectively operating solely in infrasound frequencies which can only be heard by whales.
And they are appalled.
Just got ejected from my son’s little league game for arguing with the ump. I didn’t really care about the call, I just got bored and needed an excuse to leave.
A woman was arrested when her boyfriend’s body was found in a freezer in their living room. Who the hell puts a freezer in the living room?
Accurate
Went jogging and came back after 2 minutes because I forgot something.
Forgot Im out of shape and can only jog for 2 minutes.
[first date]
ME: That’s a pretty name.
CASSIE: Thank you!
ME: Is it short for Casserole?
I have a huge advantage in Wordle because I have had the alphabet memorized for over 10 years.
When she said “I think we got way too much pizza.” I knew I Finally had my chance to shine, to be the hero.
Daughter keeps licking water off the shower floor, but she’s our second kid, so we let that stuff slide.
My husband would NEVER cheat on me.
He’s too lazy
*walks up to fountain*
*throws in a shiny penny*
*crosses fingers*
*makes wish*
*looks over at mother-in-law*
*does throat slash motion*
Me: let’s go vegetarian
Husband: can we still eat eggs
M: of course
H: fish?
M: obviously
H: bacon on special occas-
M: we’d be crazy not to
There’s one barista who treats me like I’m very important for whatever reason & he doesn’t let anyone else make my drink so at first I was like “Well shucks, I feel special” but now I’m like, “Is he slowly poisoning me?”