I passed out in an alley last night and woke up being initiated into a raccoon street gang.
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“Here comes Paul. We better turn red, fast!”
– every stoplight
She asked if I had lost my mind. It’s nice to know that there’s some doubt.
Ever take a look at @thefunnytweeter? I’m honored that they have some of my tweets on a page.
What do you call 100 sheep rolling down a hill
A lambslide
*Dog begging for chocolate bar*
“Dogs are so dumb, always wanting stuff that’ll kill them.”
*lights cig, cracks beer, finishes burger*
I don’t tweet about my boss because I don’t wanna be a suspect when he disappears.
“I love ribs! What are ribs, anyway? Are they like cow, or like people…or?”
-my 6yo daughter, that’s apparently not disturbed by cannibalism
Ladies, how often do you exfoliate? I do weekly then a soothing serum and now that the boys aren’t reading anymore, are we still doing that thing where we say no holiday gifts, then act disappointed. lol I can’t stop laughing ok be cool be cool. And finish up with a night cream
Nothing is better than a home cooked Thanksgiving dinner
[Alligator feeding at the zoo]
Me: Hey let me do it
Keeper: 1st time?
M: Heck no
*alligator takes me by the arm*
I WAS JUST BRAGGING SAVE ME
All I ask is that when I’m murdered, you make my chalk outline four sizes smaller.
I better not wake up later and find out stuff is still happening.
Them: you’re 30 and still living with your parents!?!
Me, visibly perplexed: WHO’S PARENTS AM I SUPPOSED TO LIVE WITH THEN!!?!
me: make me irresistible to women
genie: *turns me into a puppy* careful what you wish for haha
me: *raises hind leg over lamp*
genie: wait no stop
godspeed to the man who just told his girlfriend “there’s no need to get so emotional” in the baby clothes section of the supermarket
Her: You’re a dumpster fire
Me: So you think I’m hot??
Saving the planet will require sacrifice and right now I’m thinking you.
INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Make love not war.
2) Love is a battlefield.
3) You’re screwed.
You said that if I went to visit at the hospital I should be sure to take flowers. So, when the nurse wasn’t looking, I did.
Mum was fed up of the squirrels stealing all the bird food so she greased the feeder!
went to Confession and also confessed the sins of the guy next in line, hope he pays it forward
Coffee cause nowadays there’s just too many cameras in the world to get away with anything.
I fed the neighborhood cat cheaper cat treats and now she’s meowing Sarah McLachlan songs in my back yard.
Groom: I do.
Priest: And..
Me: can you give me a minute? [pulls best friend aside] ok what should I say because I don’t wanna look as though I like him too much and seem needy will I just say lol or make a joke.
In New York, people are paying up to $100 for a “cronut,” which is croissant/donut. We call these people “midiots,” which is a moron/idiot.
Scientists: we discovered a worm that eats plastic
Worm: wait we’re eating what
A Brit watching their house fall off a cliff:
“That’s a bit of a blow”
fruit vendors are just vegan butchers.
ME: Happy Valentine’s Day! Enjoy these chocolates.
HER: Ugh, these are all coconut. Did you get me anything else?
ME: *awkwardly hands her a bouquet of coconuts*
Like, obviously I’m against a baby fight club on a moral basis but in terms of humor it’s gold