Hey check out this new candle I got.
-Sweet. What flavor is it?
I think you mean ‘what scent is it?’
*with a mouthful of candle wax*
-What?
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My kid can’t remember to flush the toilet but can repeat every episode of My Little Pony, word for word
Go hard or stay average
*first date*
her: I can suck a golf ball through a garden hose
me: I like the sound of that
her: mmmmm oh do you now.
me: yes, I have two young kids. any chance you could suck a ham and cheese sandwich out of a dvd player?
me: Go back!
uber driver: Did I miss the turn?
me [already in the front seat trying to find the station that was playing Taylor Swift]
fourth time’s the charm
“Well, first I was afraid… Then I was petrified…”
– Dinosaur explaining how he didn’t survive
I can’t grow a hair on my head but overnight I can grow a four inch long single eyebrow hair
I dipped my toe into social media in 2015. I should have severed that toe.
My husband found me lying on the sofa and said the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
I’ve learned something today – “dibs” is not the appropriate response when your best friend announces their divorce.
The only way a “staycation” sounds good is if the rest of my family takes a “leavecation”
God: remember when I went to the bathroom and left you alone in my office?
Lion: yes.
God: did you uh do anything while I was gone?
Lion: no why?
[Mountain Lion, Sea Lion and Lionfish peek around the corner]
God: I guess I’ll delete them then.
Lion: ThEY aRe My cHiLdREn!
ME: I was born a tree…
ALSO ME: …but I’ll dialog.
Why buy the cow when you can get milk from almonds?
After the machine uprising, robots in the club will dance “The Human” by compulsively overeating and playing with their phones on the toilet
WIFE: our son has an A in Biology!
ME: *shoving another donut in my mouth* I wasn’t the one who taught him how to spell
Well your honor, I thought handing her the curling iron while she was showering would get her ready faster.
My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.
I doubt anyone’s actually “dying” from seeing a cute baby picture on FB, but we can always dream.
I don’t know if I’m mad because my husband got me the next size up pants or because they fit perfectly.
Perfect one night stand:
Amish person.No internet access.
No phones.
In the heat of passion they’ll whisper the secret to apple butter.
That which doesn’t kill you better run for its life when you get back on your feet.
*gets stuck halfway through a somersault*
This is how I live now.
I’m going as Alexa for Halloween this year and answering every question with, “Sorry, I’m having trouble understanding you right now.”
Forget hobbies and and interests, dating apps should require people to share their Amazon order histories.
DATE: what’s with the tattoo?
ME: that’s Alcatraz
DATE: “prison tats” are not normally of the actual prison building
Lunchables™? huge waste of money! I have my kids mill their own wheat then hunt, kill & field strip a wild bologna
Movies led me to believe there would be a whole lot more unlocked cars just sitting around with the keys tucked away in the overhead visor.
It’s like ten thousand views when all you need is a like.
Practice safe sex and have sex with a vampire. Vampires are, by default, all about consent because they have to be invited inside.